第二节　译文辨析

1.唐朝有位诗人张继，在一个秋夜，乘船停泊在枫桥下，独坐孤舟，面对着霜天、残月、栖鸦、渔火、红枫、山寺，不禁游子情思联翩，写下《枫桥夜泊》一诗：“月落乌啼霜满天，江枫渔火对愁眠。姑苏城外寒山寺，夜半钟声到客船。”这首诗写景抒情清丽淡远，传为千古名篇。

【译文一】The Tang Poet Zhang Ji moored his boat under the Maple Bridge on an autumn night.Alone in the single boat, seeing the frosty sky, fading moon, cawing crows, fisherman’s lights, red maples and the temple，as a traveller away from home，his tender feelings arrived one after another and so he wrote the poem Mooring at Night by the Maple Bridge, which goes as follows: “The moon was setting, the crows were cawing, and the frost flurried in the sky./ The maples and fishing torches on the river kept me in my sad dream./ Our boat was moored near a monastery on the outskirts of Suzhou./ The midnight ringing of the temple bell seemed to announce our arrival.” The elegant and exquisite description of the scene and the expression of his emotions made it a famous poem that has been enjoyed through the ages.

【译文二】The Tang Poet Zhang Ji moored his boat under the Maple Bridge on an autumn night.Alone in the single boat, seeing the frosty sky, fading moon, cawing crows, fishermen’s lights, red maples and the temple, as a traveller away from home，he wrote the poem Mooring at Night by the Maple Bridge, which gives a vivid description of the scene and his sentiments and has been appreciated for ages.

【辨析】原文引用了张继的《枫桥夜泊》来衬托景点的美，加深中国读者的印象，迎合中国读者的审美习惯，但是像译文一那样忠实地将这首诗译出，反而会增加英文读者的理解难度，而且前面的frosty sky、fading moon等已经表达出诗的主要内容，所以不如将此诗省译。另外，细心的读者会发现，译文一出现了一些语法问题，如fisherman应改为复数，through the ages不如将the省译，as a traveller away from home, his tender feelings arrived one after another and so he wrote the poem Mooring at Night by the Maple Bridge这一部分中，so已经是连词，所以前面的and应该省掉，添加逗号。而且as a traveller away from home和后面his tender feelings arrived one after another之间的逻辑也有问题，his tender feelings arrived one after another过于忠实原文，有“中式英语”之嫌。译文二修正了以上语法和逻辑问题，同时省译诗的内容，符合旅游文本翻译的目的。

2.雷峰塔建于吴越国时期（975年），吴越国王钱弘俶因为黄妃生得一子，对佛心生感激，所以建此塔以谢佛的恩德。塔初名“黄妃塔”，是一座八面砖木结构楼阁式塔，塔心是砖砌的，塔檐、游廊、栏杆等为木结构。南宋以后，雷峰塔木构檐廊屡毁屡修。当时的《雷峰夕照》图中，斜阳的余晖照耀在塔身上，成了西湖边静穆的图画。明代嘉靖时雷峰塔被毁，仅存塔心，杭州诸塔中，其他的塔都是随毁随修，只有雷峰塔自那时起便不曾修葺过，以残缺的姿态在湖畔耸峙了四百余年。

【译文一】Leifeng Pagoda was constructed during Wuyue Period （975）.It is said that Qian Hongchu, the king of Wuyue State, wanted to express his thanks to Buddha because his wife, Princess Huang, gave birth to a son.So he donated to build the pagoda.The initial name of the pagoda was Princess Huang Pagoda and it was a building with brick timber structure of eight sides.The core was built of brick, but the eaves, veranda, railing,etc.were timber structures.Since Southern Song Dynasty, the eaves corridor of timber of Leifeng Pagoda had been repeatedly destroyed and repaired.In the picture of “Leifeng Pagoda in Evening Glow” at that time,the sunshine of setting sun glows on the pagoda, forming the solemn and quiet picture by the West Lake.Leifeng Pagoda was destroyed in Jiajing of Ming Dynasty, only left the brick core.All pagodas in Hangzhou except Leifeng Pagoda are rebuilt instantly after being destroyed.However, Leifeng Pagoda since then had not been rebuilt.The ruin has been standing by the West Lake with the incomplete posture for more than 400 years.

【译文二】Leifeng Pagoda can be traced back to 975 during the Kingdom of Wuyue, in which King Qian Hongchu was so happy to have his concubine give birth to a son that he erected a pagoda to express his gratitude to Buddha.This pagoda was an octagonal brick-and-wood structure of storied-pavilion type.The core part was built of bricks，but the eaves，veranda, and railing were of a wooden structure.After the Southern Song Dynasty, the eaves and veranda were damaged and repaired repeatedly.In the painting Leifeng Pagoda in Evening Glow at that time, the pagoda was bathed in sunset glow, forming a wonderful picture by the West Lake.It was destroyed in the mid 1,500 during the Ming Dynasty, with the only brick core remaining.In history, all pagodas in Hangzhou were rebuilt after their destruction, except Leifeng Pagoda, which was left in disrepair for more than 400 years.

【辨析】原文描述了雷峰塔的来历、构造和历史，写得非常细致入微，这对中国人来说并不难懂，但是其中“塔初名‘黄妃塔’”、“明代嘉靖时”、“成了西湖边静穆的图画”过于强调细节，如果直译出来会给英语读者带来更多的理解问题，因为需要解释“黄妃”、“嘉靖”这样的名字，“静穆”译成solemn and quiet显然是“中式英语”。所以，根据旅游文本的翻译目的，不如将这样的细节省译，译文二在这几个方面显然优于译文一。另外，译文一中So he donated to build the pagoda一句显得有些突兀，不如像译文二将之融入前半部分，另外，译文一在时态和语法方面也存在不恰当之处。

3.五大连池有14座火山锥，其中12座是一万年以前先后形成的休眠火山。据文献记载：“墨尔根（今嫩江）东南，一日地中忽出火，石块飞腾，声振四野，越数月火熄”,“康熙五十九年（1720年）六七月间，忽然烟火冲天，其声如雷，昼夜不绝，声闻五六十里”。这场火山爆发前后可能延续了两年多时间。当时，从喷火口流出的岩浆把附近的小白河截成了5段，形成5个互相比连的火山堰塞湖。

【译文—】There are fourteen conic volcanoes at the Five Big Adjacent Lakes, twelve of which are dormant volcanoes formed 10, 000 years ago.According to a record in a document, “One day, to the southeast of Mo’rgen (today’s Nenjiang River), fire and rocks were seen rising from underground and big sound was heard.All this did not stop until several months later.” “During the sixth and seventh months of the 59th year of Kangxi’s Reign (1720), fire towered to the sky and big sound spread fifty or sixty miles day and night.” Subsequent eruptions probably lasted more than two years.At that time, the lava cut the nearby Xiaobai River into five segments and hence formed five barrier lakes that were connected with each other.

【译文二】At the Five Big Adjacent Lakes, there are fourteen conic volcanoes, twelve of which are dormant ones formed 10,000 years ago.The first eruption, recorded in different -historical documents, occurred in 1720.Subsequent eruptions probably lasted more than two years.Their lava cut the nearby Xiaobai River into five segments and hence formed five barrier lakes that were connected with each other.

【辨析】原文是关于五大连池火山锥和湖区的形成，其中引述的文献记载较详细，对外国旅游者似无必要，因为火山爆发的情景世界各地大体相同，这似乎是常识（一舟，2002）。所以，文献记载部分不应该像译文一那样忠实地译出，而应像译文二那样用两个简单句加以概述。另外，“康熙五十九年六七月间”译出显得冗长，而且对英语读者来说有些费解，所以也没有必要译出，直接译出括号内的1720即可。综上所述，译文二优于译文一。

4.锦绣谷，由大林峰与天池山交汇而成，谷中游步道长1,452米.因四时红紫匝地，花团锦簇，故名。谷中石径崎岖，逶迤多趣，庐山芙蓉、瑞香、牯岭玉兰……遍布峰密；天桥人头石、蟾蛛石，访仙亭……点缀其间。此谷不仅花奇、石怪，气象万千，而且视野开阔，漫步谷中，放眼远眺，“长江玉带飘天际，阡陌旷野收眼底”系庐山的重要景点之一。

【译文一】The Brocade Valley, located between the Dalin Peak and the Tianchi Peak, runs as long as 1,452 meters.The valley is so named because there are always flowers of all colours growing in the valley, which makes it look as beautiful as brocade.In the valley, a path winds its way up and down.Flowers like Lushan hibiscus, winter daphne, Kuling magnolia and so on grow here and there.The celestial Bridge, the Rock of the Head of a Man, and the Fangxian (seeking the immortal) pavilion are distributed along the path.With rare flowers and grotesque rocks，the sceneiy of the valley is majestic.Looking fax into the distance, the Changjiang River is like a yellow belt on the horizon, and the fields below can be clearly seen.It is one of the most important scenic spots of Mt.Lushan.

【译文二】The Brocade Valley, located between the Dalin Peak and the Tianchi Peak, runs as long as 1,452 meters.As one of the most important scenic spots of Mt.Lushan, the valley is so named because all year round there are flowers of all colours.Along the winding path in the valley, you will enjoy a majestic picture formed by colourfiil flowers and grotesque rocks as well as the overpass and the pavilion.In the distance, the Changjiang River runs like a ribbon and the fields lie crisscrossed.

【辨析】原文的描述非常详尽，如“庐山芙蓉、瑞香、牯岭玉兰……遍布峰峦；天桥人头石、蟾蜍石、访仙亭”这一部分形象生动，但是如果对这些花草、石头的形状进行直译，势必会让外文读者感到费解。而且和后面的“花奇、石怪”等有些重复。最后的诗句“长江玉带飘天际，阡陌旷野收眼底”如果直译不免有些“为翻译而翻译”的味道，所以不如将其进行简单的解释。对照译文一和译文二可以看出，在这些方面译文二尽量做到了简洁。尤其是译文一中Flowers like Lushan hibiscus, winter daphne, Kuling magnolia and so on grow here and there显得过于中文化。另外，细心的读者会发现，译文一中的look（已用下划线标出）没有必要，最后一部分Looking far into the distance, the Changjiang River is like a yellow belt on the horizon, and the fields below can be clearly seen.It is one of the most important scenic spots of Mt.Lushan中不仅语法上有问题，而且诗句的翻译过于冗长晦涩，因此，如能对其中不必要的一些信息进行删减和修改，译文将更紧凑、更清晰了，符合英文读者的接受心理。因为英文读者在接受信息之前的期望正是直接、有效的信息（陆秀英，2006）。因此，很明显，译文二较译文一通顺、简洁得多。

5.花径公园是庐山旅游景点的一颗明珠，唐朝大诗人白居易在此游览时曾写下“人间四月芳菲尽，山寺桃花始盛开。长恨春归无觅处，不知转入此中来”的著名诗篇。园内有白居易堂、觅春园、孔雀馆等参观项目，是集山水、人文、古代、现代为一体的综合性公园。

【译文一】The Floral Path Park is a pearl among Mt.Lu’s scenic spots.Bai Juyi, a famous poet of the Tang Dynasty, after visiting the path,wrote a famous poem: In April all the flowers are withered.But the peach flowers near the mountain temples are in full bloom.Long regretting that spring has passed.Surprised I see that spring reappears here.There are lots of places for you to visit here: the Bai Juyi’s Thatched Cottage，the Looking for Spring Garden, the Peacock House etc.It is a comprehensive park with hills and waters, centuries of ancient and modem times concentrated.

【译文二】The Floral Path Park is a pearl among Mt.Lu’s scenic spots.It is a park with hills and waters as well as human landscape in ancient and modern styles.Bai Juyi, a famous poet of the Tang Dynasty，when visiting the park, composed a famous poem about the beautiful peach flowers near the mountain temple and the marvellous spring scenery in the park.There are lots of places for you to visit here, including Bai Juyi’s Thatched Cottage, Michun Garden (which means “a garden for seeking spring”), and the Peacock House,

【辨析】汉语原文反映了中国人的思维方式，中间引用了白居易的诗用来宣传此处的美景，说明此处的人文意义，后面又提及此处的一些景点。实际上，白居易的这首诗像译文一那样直译出来会显得比较复杂，而且其中蕴含的含义（据说白居易是被贬以后写下的这首诗）英文读者未必能明白，所以不如像译文二那样做简化处理。另外，最后一部分“是集山水、人文、古代、现代为一体的综合性公园”被一首诗与前面隔开，不如在译文中将之提前，这样的译文更加简洁。而且，这一句译文一中的comprehensive没有必要，centuries of ancient and modem times concentrated有些模糊，而且属于“中式英语”。而译文二将之译为It is a park with hills and waters as well as human landscape in ancient and modern styles，意思更加清楚，结构更加合理。“白居易堂、觅春园、孔雀馆”这三个景点的翻译不能过于复杂，译文二中的处理要比译文一的处理简洁，而且意思更明确，容易为英语读者记住，尤其是“觅春园”由译文一的the Looking for Spring Garden变成Michun Garden,括号里加注释a garden for seeking spring。因此，总体说来，译文二要比译文一好得多。