穿着宽松运动服的怪物　The Baggy Sweatsuit Monster

Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to, but respect yourself-that is essential.

～Anna Gould

I pushed my grocery cart through the wide aisles. It was making a horrible squeaking noise.I decided to ignore it and hoped that no one else noticed.The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself.I continued walking, passing other women who were filling clear plastic bags with vegetables and fruits.I went straight to the cookie aisle.My boys were quarreling over what kind of cereal we should buy while I tried to decide between the chocolate chip cookies with the cream center or chocolate stripe graham cookies.

All of a sudden a man, a handsome man, about 6'1”turned down the aisle and began to push his cart in my direction. A food of sweat beaded on my face and trickled down my sides.I looked a mess.I looked anything but normal.You see, I didn't bother to put any effort into my appearance before going to the store.Why should I?Would anyone notice if I fixed my hair or put on make-up?You see, no matter how much time you put into selecting your outfit or dolling yourself up, when you weigh 250 pounds, no one ever compliments your appearance.I quickly walked, almost ran from the aisle.

When I first got married in 2000，I was a hot little thing. The key word being“little”.No I wasn't a size two and could probably even be considered plump by some standards, but at 5'7“and 175 pounds.I was looking better than I had in years, maybe ever！I had heard many stones of housewives who, once the kids come, completely let themselves go.I vowed I wouldn't ruin my marriage like that.I'd always try to look my best even when I didn't plan on leaving my house that day.I promised myself that if I ever became a parent, I would never become the“Baggy Sweatsuit Monster”.

I managed to keep my word for a whole year, but shortly after my first child was born, I decided I wanted to resign my womanhood. Who could blame me?I became a day care provider, chauffeur, counselor, chef, nurse, entertainer, personal stylist, and educator all at once.My entire life now centered on motherhood.I had absolutely no interest in appearing attractive to anyone.I re-designed my appearance to accommodate my own sense of convenience.I stopped wearing make-up, perfume, and jewelry.I bought jeans with the elastic band on them.I didn't even shave my legs.

Becoming a parent brought about many changes for me. But there was one constant in my life-food.Over time, food had become more than just something to eat；food was my comfort.Nothing calmed my anxieties like a big bowl of double chocolate chunk ice cream, and it was always available.My waistline expanded over the years as my self-esteem, my concerns for my marriage, and my health all diminished.

One day I was strolling down the frozen dessert aisle when I caught a glimpse of myself in the freezer case. I wasn't at all prepared for what was looking at me.There she was, staring back at me in the glass, the“Baggy Sweatsuit Monster”.I knew I had put on some weight, but I didn't know I had ballooned from fit to flab over the course of seven years！The thirty-three year old, once beauty now fatty, had obviously let herself go.How did I let this happen?Suddenly my anxieties grew.They proved to be too much for even the chocolate ice cream.

Later that night, I sat on my bed and gazed at a well-polished wedding picture of my husband and me. You see, it was all I had as proof that I was once beautiful.My pen began to stream across the pages of my journal.Through tears of frustration and anger, I wrote as if my life depended on it.I exhaled a fow of sorrow, guilt and sadness.When I finished, I had a plan；one I call“Thirty-five before Thirty-five”.I had a list of things I was determined to accomplish before turning thirty-five years old.It was a good plan, but I knew the only way to make it happen was to learn to love myself.

Included on my list was learning to smile a little each day, learning to laugh sometimes, learning to look in the mirror and love who I see……flaws and all.

I will love myself enough to take care of myself-to make conscious choices about what I put in and on my body.

In learning to love myself, I will learn that self-pampering does not equal selfishness. There's no harm in giving myself the respect that I deserve.Besides, in taking some“me”time, I set a good example for my children.If my body and mind are weakened from neglect, I can't be the supportive mother I so desperately want to be.

Now I discover a way to love and pamper myself everyday, whether it's by painting my toes, styling my hair, getting a facial, buying a new lotion, spending an afternoon at a spa, trying a new eye shadow or putting on lipstick for a quick errand to the grocery store.

Today, before going grocery shopping, I gazed in the mirror. I saw a drastic difference from what appeared months ago in the freezer case.The soft brush of magenta and rose eye shadow brought out the sparkle in my eye.My cascading black hair flowed onto my shiny bare shoulders.I looked like a new person.No, I'm still not a size two and am still considered plump by most standards, but the ugly monster is gone, and she's not welcome back.

～Annita Hammonds

可以尽情打扮自己，可以让自己变得聪明，但人必须自重——这才是最重要的。

——安娜·古尔德

我推着购物车穿过宽敞的走道。车子吱吱作响，十分刺耳。但我毫不在意，希望没人注意。我最讨厌出风头，惹人注意。我继续往前走，经过一群妇女，她们手上提着装满蔬菜和水果的透明塑料袋。我径直走向甜点货架。我正纠结于买奶油夹心巧克力饼干还是买巧克力夹层饼干时，孩子们在争吵究竟买哪种麦片。

突然，有一个男人，一个高大帅气的男人，大概6英尺1英寸21，从过道那头转弯，推着车子朝我这里走来。我的脸上沁出一滴滴汗珠，缓缓地顺着脸颊流了下来。我看上去糟糕透了，神色一点也不正常。要知道，我去商场之前从不打扮。为什么要打扮呢？想想看，如果你的体重有250磅，无论花多长时间挑选衣服和首饰，或者把自己打扮得漂漂亮亮，都无济于事，这不会给你的外表增色多少。我快速走开了，几乎是从走道那儿落荒而逃。

2000年新婚燕尔之时，我可真是个火辣娇小的尤物，请注意，关键词是“娇小”。当时我也不算很苗条，身高5英尺7英寸，体重175磅，也许从某些标准看算是丰满。至少那时的我看起来比现在舒服，可能以后都不会像以前那样苗条了！我也听说过许多家庭主妇的故事，她们一旦生了孩子，就自暴自弃了。我发过誓，不会把婚姻葬送在自己手里。即使不出门，我也会努力把最好的一面展现给别人。我向自己承诺过，如果当了母亲，绝对不会成为“穿着宽松运动服的怪物”。

婚后一整年我都信守承诺，但是第一个孩子出生后，我决定放弃所谓的女人气质。能怪我吗？我集家庭保姆、司机、顾问、厨师、护士、演员、个人形象设计师和老师于一身。现在，我人生的全部意义就是当个好妈妈。我当然没有心思再引人注目了。我重新打扮打扮自己，就为了图个省事。我不化妆，不喷香水，也不戴珠宝首饰。我买了有松紧带的牛仔裤，而且连腿毛都不刮了。

当妈妈以后，我的变化很大。但生活中有一样东西没变，那就是吃。食物的意义已经不在于填饱肚子，食物可以给予我极大的安慰。没有什么比一大碗双层巧克力冰淇淋更能安抚我紧张的神经了，而且冰淇淋总是很容易就能买到。这几年来，我的腰围大了一圈又一圈，我的自尊心不断受到打击，我对婚姻越来越淡漠，体质不断下降。

有一天，我正漫步在速冻甜品的货架旁，突然看到冷冻箱上映出的自己。我惊诧地看着自己，一点思想准备也没有。冷冻箱玻璃面上的影子直愣愣地瞪着我——“穿着宽松运动服的怪物”。我知道自己长胖了，但是没想到这七年来竟然从衣着紧俏变成满身赘肉！这个33岁的胖女人曾经美丽过，显然现在是自暴自弃了。我怎么会这样呢？突然间我变得焦躁不安，即使巧克力冰淇淋也没法让我冷静下来。

那天晚上，我坐在床上，盯着擦得干干净净的结婚照。想想看，这可是唯一能证明我曾经如花似玉的东西。我拿起笔，在日记本上行云流水般地记录心情。我落下沮丧和愤懑的泪水，不停地写，似乎生活就靠写日记才能维系了。我叹了口气，吐出内心的悲伤和愧疚。写完日记后，我想到了一个计划，称之为“35岁之前的35件事”。我列出了一堆事情，下决心要在35岁之前全部做到。计划很好，但是我知道，实现计划的唯一方法就是学会爱自己。

计划包括学会每天微笑一下，时不时大笑几声，照镜子时无论看到的是优点还是缺点都要学会自我欣赏。

我要学会爱自己，然后才能照顾自己，用心打扮自己。

要想学会爱自己，我得明白宠爱自己不等于自私自利。给予自己应得的尊敬没有坏处。除此以外，多给自己一点时间，也会为孩子树立好榜样。如果因为忽略自己而耽误了身体和情绪，我就无法成为梦寐以求的得力妈妈。

现在，我知道每天该怎样宠爱自己了。给脚涂涂指甲油，去发廊弄弄头发，去美容院做做脸部按摩，买一瓶新的护肤液，花一下午做个SPA，换一款新眼影，或者在急匆匆赶往杂货店前还不忘涂涂口红。

今天去杂货店之前，我照了照镜子。镜子里的我已经和数月前冰冻箱上映出的我大不相同。柔软的洋红色睫毛和玫瑰色眼影把眼睛衬得熠熠生辉，乌黑的秀发搭在光滑雪白的肩膀上。我看起来就像脱胎换骨似的。不，我还是不苗条，而且按照大部分标准来看只能算是丰满。但是，那个丑陋的怪物已经消失得无影无踪，一去不复返了。

——安妮塔·哈蒙兹