你一定能行　You Can Do This

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

～Author Unknown

While many young women growing up in the 1960s chose to break free from traditional career expectations, I accepted the age-old restrictions with little protest. In my“neck of the woods”，few young women left the area for job advancement.We chose fields that were available and acceptable in our community, and our educations and training reflected these choices.Limited expectations coupled with a heaping helping of fear and insecurity were more than enough to keep me from being a dream seeker.

Then in the early 1980s, I gave birth to a little girl. She was bright, inquisitive and energetic, and she approached the world with arms open wide.As I watched her grow, I resolved that she would not be handicapped by the mind set that had restricted me.I wanted her to experience her potential, and in the years that followed, often encouraged her personal growth with the words，“Honey, you can do this！”

However, an interesting problem arose during her high school years. Although I had raised my daughter to be fearless and secure, I was quite fearful and insecure when it came to the unfamiliar.Her four years at a large state university helped me to acclimatize to her expanding world, but upon her graduation, she packed and moved to Boston, which was fifteen hours away from our southern home.And while I knew that she could be anything she wanted to be, I just wasn't sure that I wanted her to be so darned convinced that I was right about that.I had always been a“be in before dark, locked door”kind of country girl.I knew nothing about living in cities, I didn't like traveling alone, and I definitely didn't like the thought of my daughter doing either.But her dream was to be a doctor, and my dream was for her to live her dream, so I didn't protest……much.

Her dad and I helped her with the move；then I returned home to worry. In the months that followed, I tried to keep from thinking about her taking public transit late at night.I constantly（and sometimes unsuccessfully）fought the urge to ask，“Did you lock your doors?”And I tried to keep from hyperventilating into the phone when she related any of a number of somewhat scary incidents.But whenever she called to express doubt about her ability to meet the academic challenges, I always responded，“You can do this，”because I knew that she could.

Then came the day of her simple and frightening request.“Come visit me without Dad.”For weeks she begged, and I offered transparent excuses, but she would not give up. Finally, I relented, packed my bags and few to my daughter's new home.This was an act of great love on my part because I not only was afraid of cities, I also was afraid of flying.

But my daughter, knowing my fears（and poor sense of direction），met me at the airport and protectively sheltered me throughout the visit-in a challenging sort of way. We explored the city；I had always avoided cities.We went out at night；I had never been a go-out-at-night person.We took public transportation；my prior knowledge of mass transit was the Kingston Trio's 1960s song“M.T.A.”in which“Charlie”never returned from his ride beneath the streets of Boston.In the song, Charlie couldn't pay the“one more nickel”increase in fare；but I felt certain that if Charlie, a native urbanite, couldn't escape the subway, how much worse the plight might be for little ole rural me.

Knowing my fears, my daughter inconspicuously clutched my arm in the subway terminals, and she explained the confusing city traffic to this novice pedestrian. She hovered protectively, and she never left my side until my last day when she had to return to class.But even then she hand wrote the exact words I was to say when I phoned for a taxi.How did I get to be fifty years old without ever having requested a taxi?I suppressed the fleeting thought that maybe I needed to get out more.

Not content with my one solo visit, several months later, she was begging me to return. She was the one that I had resolved to set free；why did she keep trying to pull me along, too?“Please, Mom.You can do it，”she begged.I sighed loudly.“Don't you want to spend time with me?”Now was that really a fair question for her to ask?Of course I wanted to be with her……but not in a city.Overnight I pondered my dilemma, then booked another fight.

We spent time together exploring sights and sounds that I hadn't experienced before, and I must admit that I felt more comfortable during this visit. In fact, amazingly, I had a great deal of fun.Then the day came that she raised an eyebrow, and then raised the bar.

“I have class this morning，”she said，“so you need to take the subway this afternoon and meet me downtown at a coffee shop near the school.”My eyes grew wide. She was too young to know about the Kingston Trio's tale of Char lies never-ending nightmare on the M.T.A.But that was no excuse.She knew that I didn't like cities（well, maybe Boston had grown on me a little）.But had she forgotten that I have absolutely no sense of direction and that fear is my sixth sense?What if I never returned……just like Charlie in the song?Then she'd be sorry for misplacing her miserable mother beneath the streets of Boston.

“Mom, you can do this，”she said encouragingly, in much the same tone I had used when she was a little girl.“I'll draw you a map，”she added, sounding cheerful yet resolute. Placing a detailed drawing in my hand, she hugged me goodbye and hurried off to class.

Of course, I wanted to spend the afternoon with her, but I was still fearful of urban life. Alone in her apartment, I listened to the intimidating sounds of the city and gradually resolved that I would accept her challenge.At midday, I drew a deep breath, locked the door to her apartment and caught the subway……all by myself.

Clutching her map, I navigated to our meeting place then sat down at an outside table to wait. She was running late, and when she finally appeared, there was urgency in her stride as she moved toward me, so I stood and called out，“I did it！”

Her worried facial expression dissolved into obvious relief（or maybe it was pride）. It was then that I realized that she had a resolution of her own making.“I knew that you could，”she said.

～Joan McClure Beck

阻碍你的不是你自己不能，而是你认为自己不能。

——佚名

不少在20世纪60年代成长起来的年轻女性都打破陈规，在职业道路上另辟蹊径。相比之下，我还是情愿接受一些旧有的条条框框。在我家乡那边，很少会有年轻女性背井离乡，去寻求更好的职业发展。大部分人都在自己的家乡选择合适的工作，而我们所接受的教育和培训也是为这些职业作准备的。我这个人没什么宏图大志，加上成年累月都忧虑不安，所以注定无法成为追寻梦想的人。

20世纪80年代初，我生了一个女儿。她聪明伶俐，充满好奇，精力充沛，她张开双臂，想要拥抱这个世界。我看着她一点点长大，不禁暗下决心：绝不能让女儿像我一样受思维定式的桎梏。我希望她的潜力能得到充分发挥。于是，为了鼓励她不断成长，我在随后几年经常跟她说：“宝贝儿，你一定能行！”

然而，女儿读高中时我碰到了一个有趣的问题。尽管我教导女儿要无畏无惧、无忧无虑地面对生活，但是遇到新环境时，我自己总会恐惧不堪，愁眉紧锁。她在一所很大的州立大学读了四年书，这四年来我渐渐适应了她不断扩大的世界。女儿毕业后，收拾好行李，搬到了波士顿。从我们家开车北上波士顿要走15小时。我心里很明白，她可以放手去做自己想做的事情。我想让她笃信不疑，她母亲这么做是对的，但我自己却吃不准到底应不应该这么做。我从小到大就是那种“天黑前就回家锁门”的乡村女孩，对大城市的喧嚣生活一无所知，不喜欢独自出行，当然也不喜欢女儿有这种想法。但是，女儿的梦想是成为一名医生，我的梦想就是帮助她实现梦想，所以就没有过多反对。

我和孩子她爸帮女儿搬完家回来，心里总是忐忑不安。接下来的几个月，我总是强忍住不去担忧女儿，不去想她深夜还得坐公共汽车回家。我不断地（有时并未成功）控制自己不要询问女儿：“门锁了吗？”每次女儿说起什么可怕的事故时，我都在电话那头倒吸几口凉气，强忍住不表露出来。但每当她打电话告诉我，觉得自己无法攻克学术上的难关时，我总会鼓励她道：“你一定能行。”因为我知道她是可以的。

接着，我迎来了那一天，女儿提出了简单却令人震惊的请求：“来看看我吧，不要带爸爸。”她央求了好几周，我总是能找到冠冕堂皇的托词，但她软磨硬泡，锲而不舍。最后，我终于心软，收拾好行李，坐飞机前往女儿的新家。对我来说，这么做纯粹是出于强烈的母爱，因为我不仅害怕城市的生活，而且还害怕坐飞机。

我胆小得要命，方向感还糟糕透顶。女儿很清楚这一点，所以就到机场来接我。在波士顿待的那阵子，女儿也一直小心翼翼地护着我。这对她来说也确实不易。我们逛了市区，而此前我一直对城市避而远之。我们在夜里出行，而我从未在夜里出过门。我们搭乘公共交通工具，我此前对公共交通工具的印象和了解还是金斯顿三重唱组合在20世纪60年代的那首《波士顿的地铁站》。在那首歌里，主人公查理到最后也没能走出波士顿的地铁站——歌词里提到的地铁费涨了五美分，查理就因为交不起这五美分才被困住了。我觉得，像查理这样土生土长的城里人都能被困在地铁里，像我这样的乡下老太太岂不是会更惨？

女儿觉察到了我的恐惧，所以在地铁上都默默地抓着我的胳膊。一路上不断向我这个新进城的乡下人讲解错综复杂的城市交通系统。女儿左挪右闪地护着我，生怕我出什么事。直到我在波士顿待的最后一天，女儿都寸步不离。离别的那一天，女儿必须去上课，所以不能送我。她手写了一张字条，告诉我打电话叫出租车的时候该怎么跟人家谈，一字一句都写得清清楚楚。我都50岁的人了，竟然还没有叫过出租车，你说怪不怪？我当时就想，自己以后得多出去走走啦，但是这个念头一下子就被压了下去。

女儿觉得我去看她一次不够，所以过了几个月让我再去一趟。当初是我一心想让她自由飞翔的，可是这丫头为什么老想拉着我跟她一块儿飞呀？女儿央求道：“求您啦，老妈，您到这儿肯定没问题的。”我不由得大声叹息。“您老人家是不是不想跟女儿多在一起待会儿呀？”她怎么能这么问我呢？我当然想跟女儿待在一起啦……但就是别让我去城市。经过整宿的思前想后、辗转反侧，我还是订了一张机票。

这一回，我们一起游览观光，体验着我以前闻所未闻的城市的喧嚣。不承认不行，这次来波士顿确实比上一回感觉好多了。甚至有点不可思议，简直开心极了。终于有一天，女儿对我的进步大为吃惊，然后出了一道难题考验我。

这一天，女儿跟我说：“妈，我今天上午得去上课，所以您今天下午得坐地铁到市中心跟我碰头，咱们在我们学校旁边的咖啡馆见面吧。”我睁大了眼睛。她可能太年轻了，所以没听过金斯顿三重唱组合的那首歌，不知道查理在波士顿地铁站里无边的挣扎。但这还是说不过去呀！她明明知道我不喜欢城市的。虽然我可能有那么一点点适应波士顿的生活了，难道她忘记自己的母亲连一点点方向感都没有吗？难道她不知道自己母亲的胆子比兔子都小吗？要是我跟歌曲里面的查理似的……一去不回怎么办？到时候她就该后悔莫及了，真不该把她那可怜的妈妈丢在波士顿“马路的下面”。

“妈妈，您一定能行！”女儿鼓励道，就跟她小时候我鼓励她的语气一模一样。“我会给您画张地图的。”她用高兴而坚定的语气说道。她真给了我一张详细的地图，和我拥抱后就匆匆赶去上课了。

我是很想和她共度那个下午，但还是害怕城市生活。我孤身一人待在女儿的公寓里，聆听城市里有点咄咄逼人的喧嚣。我慢慢下定决心接受女儿的挑战。中午到了，我深吸一口气，把女儿公寓的门锁上，上了地铁……只身一人。

我攥着女儿给的地图，来到了约好见面的地方，找了个靠外的位子坐下来。她来晚了，急急忙忙地冲我走来。就在这时，我站了起来，兴奋地喊道：“我成功啦！”

她满脸的忧容一下子舒缓开来，取而代之的是宽慰（也可能有几分自豪）。就在那时，我才意识到，原来她也有自己所特有的坚强一面。“我就知道您能行！”她说道。

——琼·麦克卢尔·贝克