半途而废的决心　A Resolution Gone Away

It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.

～Cynthia E.Varnado

One steamy July afternoon in central Arkansas, I was working on an important project in my home office with a dear friend and colleague. My trusty printer was churning out a time-sensitive report when it simply stopped.After fifteen minutes of trying to coax, cajole and tickle the device back into operation, we conceded defeat and left to get some lunch and buy a new printer.Upon our return, my heart froze to see the cul-de-sac teeming with fire trucks, a web of hoses, and heavily-suited emergency personnel sprinting toward my house.

Despite having spent much of my life crafting prose, I still stumble for adequate words to describe the sick, sinking feeling of seeing your home, business, and belongings going up in flames along with photographs and memories collected over a lifetime. But the panic that filled my stunned heart in that awful moment was for the nine cats that shared my home after being rescued from situations of abuse and abandonment.

Responding to an early security-system alert, the amazing firefighters arrived in record time, but the chemical-laden smoke had already taken its toll. I examined, cuddled, and kissed each cat goodbye, immensely grateful that they had passed gently, without injuries or burns.A dog-lover EMT and the fire chief, who professed a cat-loving wife, assured me they had only taken a couple of breaths before passing.My fur babies had all been found in places they frequented during the day-snuggled on my bed, cupped in a cat tree, nestled on a window sill, and one was even discovered in his favorite hidey-hole behind a 1911 H.P.Nelson upright piano.

Only animal lovers really understand the incredible impact that the loss of one beloved four-legged family member can have on your heart, mind and soul. The loss of so many dearly loved critters sent me reeling.

After staying with another great friend for a couple of weeks, I was relocated to a furnished apartment；rebuilding the house would take months. Overwhelmed by indescribable grief, I made the absolute resolution not to even consider taking in more animals（which friends immediately began to offer）until after returning home, if then.I simply did not have the wherewithal to deal with myself, much less anyone or anything else！The jagged holes in my heart needed time to heal.

The weeks that followed were incredibly rough. It was a time when a maze of critical decisions loomed-securing a contractor, negotiating city permits, maneuvering through cumbersome red tape and over complicated insurance hurdles, replacing everything from toothbrushes to computers, reconstructing tax records, and trying to salvage my business.It was also a time for reassessing my workaholic lifestyle.

One evening, about a month after moving in, I was ensconced in writing a mystery novel（another resolution）when a falsetto“meow”sounded from outside the apartment door. Was it my mind playing tricks again?More than once I had heard, seen or felt the brush of one of my departed furry roommates.The meow grew louder and more insistent.Curious, I opened the door.

Sitting on the doorstep was a kitten with an exotic black coat and alert amber eyes. A neighbor walking by scooped him up and began petting him.When I remarked how cute her kitten was, she explained that he had been born under a bridge in the apartment complex and scrounged around for food.This kitty-loving neighbor was quick to offer an extra litter box if I was interested in giving him a home.My immediate reaction was a facetious“that's all I need！”After all, my resolution had been well reasoned and remained firm.

As if they had conspired like some pre-coordinated team of flimflam artists, she put the adorable kitten down. Without hesitation or respect for privacy, the little guy sauntered past me into the apartment with a master-of-the-manor air.He took a brief self-guided tour, sniffed here and there, and then curled up on the couch；apparently the residence had passed his inspection.For the first time in what seemed like forever, I genuinely laughed.Not giving me a chance to object, my conspiratorial neighbor appeared with a litter box and enough food for a few days.Wondering when someone had emblazoned a big“SUCKER”on my forehead, I thanked her and closed the door, resolved to just let him stay until a real home could be found.It is mind-boggling how easily one can become steeped in sheer denial！

That night, as I slid between the sheets of the still unfamiliar bed in the still unfamiliar apartment, the feisty little fur ball plopped onto the bed, yawned dramatically, and nestled by my side. Those who have never shared a snooze with a critter or two may not relate, but that was the first night since the fire that I actually slept.Stubbornly determined not to open myself to more animals-to more pain-I had refused to admit how desperately I missed having a warm fuzzy cuddled close.

Needless to say, the cat community knew the precise prescription for healing far better than I. Over the next few days, the kitten's hilarious, playful antics drew laughter and affection, in spite of the awful grief tugging at my heart and constant self-reminders he was only visiting for a few days.The name Starlight（Star for short）seemed perfect because that night he brought some light back into my life.

Star grew into a sinewy, sleek black panther-like cat with intelligent eyes the color of sun-kissed bronze. Actually, cat is a misclas-sification for Starlight；he's really more like a dog.He craves attention, knows no boundaries, greets workmen at the door, sports a relentless shoe fetish, harasses his fellow felines, and even plays fetch if in the mood.He adores wrestling rubber bands, races up and down the stairs, darts outside anytime the door opens, suddenly appears everywhere I don't want him to be, holds onto the broom while I'm trying to sweep, rolls in catnip or whatever else happens to be on the floor, and upends every open vessel containing liquid.In hindsight, a better name might have been“Star, Stop It！”

In the five years since the fire, we have been through a lot, Starlight and I. We returned to the house, managed to keep the business alive, replaced belongings as best we could, brought the mystery novel to the final edits before it's submitted in hopes of publication, and made a lot more resolutions.Star helped me through a massive, albeit untraditional, healing of spirit.The memories of the kitties that passed in the fire now spark only warmth in my heart and winsome smiles.Every single day, I appreciate the serendipitous nature of the Universe that sent me hope in the form of a little black furball.

So take a little advice from my furry friend：no matter how bleak things may become or how fixed your resolve may be, open the door whenever opportunity knocks. It just might be a star to light your way.

～Nancy Sullivan

可爱的小猫咪能让所有人喜笑颜开。

——辛西娅·E.瓦纳多

七月份的一个午后，天气闷热得和蒸桑拿似的。我在位于阿肯色州中部的家庭办公室和一位同事朋友正忙一个重要项目。正当我打印一份十分紧急的报告时，性能一向不错的打印机突然出了故障。来回鼓捣了一刻多钟，打印机依然无动于衷。我们只好作罢，一块出去买台新机器，顺便买点午饭。在回来的路上，我看见胡同里挤满了消防车、水管和身着制服的消防员，他们都在往我家的方向赶。看到这一幕，我的心一下子跌至冰点。

虽然我大半辈子都在搞文字工作，但当我看到自己的家、事业和毕生收集的照片等所有心血都付之一炬时，那种心灰意冷、一无所有的痛苦心情仍然难以言表。在那可怕的一刻，我刺痛的内心最担心的是家里面的九只猫咪。这些猫咪都是我领养的流浪猫，这些猫以前不是被人遗弃的，就是遭人虐待的。

我家安装了火灾预警系统，所以消防队在第一时间赶到了火灾现场。但是火灾造成的浓烟实在太大，猫咪已经全都窒息而死了。我仔细检查每只猫咪，抱起它们一一吻别。看见它们都没有痛苦挣扎的痕迹，没有外伤，我心中有了些许安慰。一个爱好养狗的急救医师和消防队长都安慰我说这些猫咪死之前都只吸了几口浓烟。消防队长还说他夫人挺喜欢猫的。这些可爱的小家伙都死在它们经常出没的地方——有的蜷缩在我的床上，有的钻在猫台的洞里，有的趴在窗台上，还有一只甚至躲在它经常藏匿的钢琴后面的洞里。那架钢琴是1911年产的老式的H.P.Nelson立式钢琴。

只有宠物爱好者才真正明白失去家庭宠物时的痛苦和伤心。一下子失去了这么多可爱的猫咪，我几近昏厥。

重建房子需要好几个月的时间。我在另一个好朋友家寄宿了几周之后，搬到一栋配有家具的公寓里住。朋友纷纷要送我小宠物，但是我都一一回绝了。这次大火对我的打击实在太大，我下定决心暂时先不养宠物，而且连这个念头都没有。就是要养宠物，也得等家重建完了回去之后看情况再说。我现在连自己都顾不过来，更不要提其他身外之事了。心灵的创伤需要时间来医治。

接下来的这几周十分难熬。一大堆重要决定都迎面而来：我需要联系承包商并请求市政许可；烦琐的公事程序和无休止的保险理赔事宜让我忙得晕头转向；我还得重置从电脑到牙刷等一系列家当；我得重新整理税务记录，还得想办法保住工作。我也正好借这段时间重新审视自己“工作狂”的生活方式。

转眼搬到公寓已经一个月了。那天晚上，我正端坐在公寓里写一部悬疑小说（我的另一个决心）。突然听到公寓门外面有“喵喵”的尖锐叫声。是不是又幻听了？我已经不止一次地听见、看见甚至感觉到离我而去的那几只可爱的猫咪。“喵喵”的叫声越来越响，越来越急促。我好奇地打开门。

打开门一看，门阶上卧着一只黑猫，睁着两只机敏的琥珀色大眼睛，看起来有点不一般。一位女邻居从门口路过，把它抱了起来，爱抚着这只小猫咪。我以为这猫是她家的，开始跟那邻居夸赞这猫长得多么机灵。她解释说，这只猫是出生在公寓小区桥洞底下的流浪猫，正在四处觅食。我的那个邻居是猫咪爱好者，见状马上表示如果我愿意收养这只猫的话，愿意送我一只猫便盆。我的第一反应就是半开玩笑地说：“呀，那太好了！”其实我心里并不是这么想的。毕竟，我的决心依旧理由充足，牢不可破。

可是，他们两个就好像早有预谋似的，邻居二话没说就把那只可人的猫咪放了下来。那小家伙也不见外，一点都不犹豫就往我家里跑。好一副地主架势！它在屋里随便转悠了一圈，这儿嗅嗅，那儿闻闻，一副视察的样子。显然，我的房间通过了检查，小家伙爬上沙发就蜷缩着卧下了。我乐坏了，仿佛这辈子都没有这么笑过。那位跟小猫“同谋”的邻居已经拿着猫便盆和一堆猫粮来到我家门口，弄得我想拒绝都不行。那一刻，我觉得好像有人在我的额头上刻了大大的“好骗的笨蛋”几个字。表面上，我“谢过”那个邻居，把门关上。我决定在这只猫找到合适的归宿之前先暂时收留它。人就是这样执拗地拒绝承认，简直有点让人难以置信！

那时我对这间公寓和卧室里的床还有点陌生和不适应。那一夜，我上床准备就寝。调皮的毛茸茸的家伙扑通跳到床上，打了个大大的哈欠，然后卧在我旁边睡了。要是换成从来没有和动物一起睡过觉的人，他们可能会感觉很不自在。但是，那一夜确实是我在家里失火后睡的第一个踏实觉。家里失火后，我那么毅然决然地拒绝养宠物，初衷是想避免再次受伤。但是，我也拒绝去承认这样一个事实，其实自己多么希望能有一只亲近的小猫咪，它们是那么温暖可爱。

毋庸置疑，小猫咪知道如何医治心灵的创伤。在这方面，它们比我强得多。接下来的几天，失火之痛依旧在心中萦绕，我也不断提醒自己只能暂时收留这只猫。但是，猫的欢闹与戏耍给我带来了不少欢乐，也让我更加怜爱它。我给这只猫起名星光（小名：星星）。这名字再合适不过了，因为那天晚上它使我暗淡无光的生活重新见到了几缕光明。

星星肌肉矫健，毛色光亮。它古铜色的双眼炯炯有神，熠熠发光。实际上，说星光是只猫有点不太合适，因为它看起来更像是一条狗。小家伙爱出风头，不受约束，在门口捉弄来家里干活的工人，玩起鞋子来没完没了。它还骚扰其他同类，要是来了性子还耍耍“小花招”。此外，它还酷爱缠皮筋，在楼梯上蹿上蹿下，门一开就往外窜。它总是突然出现在不该出现的地方，我想扫地的时候，它总是赖在笤帚上不动。这还不够，它还老喜欢在猫草和碰巧放在地上的东西旁打滚，老是掀翻地上的液体容器。现在看来，当初真应该给这只淘气猫起名叫：“星星住手！”

距离家里失火已经有五个年头了，我和星光在一起度过了不少风风雨雨。家里重建之后，我把它带回了家，我们保住了生意，尽力重新置办家当。我们还一起完成了那篇悬疑小说的终稿，并且把它提交上去，希望能出版。不光这些，我们还下了许多决心。星星帮我医治了巨大的创伤，精神上的创伤。现在，每当想起那场大火中丧生的猫咪，我心中只会觉得暖暖的，脸上绽开甜蜜的笑容。每天，我都感激时间的机缘巧合给了我这只小黑猫，让我重新燃起对生活的希望。

所以，请从我这只毛茸茸的朋友身上接受一点经验教训吧：无论情况多么糟糕，也无论你的决心多么坚决，当希望来敲门的时候，不要把它拒之门外。因为，门外可能是一颗给你照亮前路的星星。

——南希·沙利文

Cartoon#2　Reprinted by permission of Off the Mark and Mark Parisi.?2008　Mark Parisi.

①“你要是不把房间清理干净，我就把你的玩具都扔掉，也不带你去迪斯尼乐园了！”　②虚张声势的程度　③极其严重　④严重　⑤有点严重　⑥需要注意　⑦忽略