作祟的恐惧幽灵　Panic Demons

We acquire the strength we have overcome.

～Ralph Waldo Emerson

Out of the blue, I felt warm sensations creep up from my toes and then start again like waves pulsating through me. My parents' voices seemed to fade into the distance.A terror unlike anything I had ever felt surged through me.I couldn't breathe and my palms began to sweat.My skin prickled and the walls seemed to tilt.

My thoughts ran wild.“My God, what is going on?I am so afraid, but of what?Maybe I'm going crazy. Am I dying?Is this what it feels like?I'm only twelve；I'm too young to die！Something awful must be happening to me.I feel so strange.”The waves of panic continued and I wanted to run……run away from this feeling of gut-wrenching fear.

Dad was leaning casually against the kitchen wall, sipping his usual before-dinner cocktail. I think he saw the terror in my eyes as he gently grabbed my arm.

“Sallie, what's wrong with you?”

“I don't know, I feel so weird. I, I，I'm so afraid，”I cried out.

“Afraid of what?”he asked.

“I don't know, I don't know，”I said as I wrung my hands in agitation and moved anxiously around the kitchen. Time seemed to stand still；everything went into slow motion.

Mom had been busy at the stove preparing dinner.

“Sit down and eat；you'll feel better，”Mom said, placing a casserole on the checkered tablecloth. My mother's words brought me back.By now, the panic was subsiding and I began to calm down as I eased into my place at the table.My parents' faces came back into focus and my heart slowed its pounding.I started to feel normal but baffled.What had just happened to me?

I think anyone who suffers from panic attacks can tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing when their first one occurred；they will never forget that defining moment when their life changed forever. It lives in your gut and you remember it clean and clear just like a knife scraping against the bone.

After that night, the panic attacks came every half hour. They always started the same；out of the blue, waves of panic cascading over my body.The rest of that year, I lived in a fog.I became very depressed at my inability to stop them.Certain that I was going crazy, I considered suicide, but always dismissed the idea as not being a solution to my problem.Besides, I wanted desperately to live, just not like that.

My parents were at a loss as to what to do with their daughter who was spinning out of control. I was always anxious and didn't sleep well.I became hyper-vigilant as to what my body was doing, always fearing another attack.My thoughts would run amuck；what if I lost control and did something awful, like jump in front of a car, or scream out loud in church.

By spring of that year, the attacks had gradually stopped. I had no clue what had caused them and so I lived in fear of their return.My teenage life retimed to a somewhat normal state except for my high anxiety.

At nineteen, I married my high school sweetheart and had three children before the age of twenty-six. Along the way, a move from Los Angeles, necessitated by my husband's climb up the corporate ladder, sent the panic attacks back.I didn't feel safe anywhere and I became agoraphobic.

I rode with my husband on his client calls, afraid to stay home alone, afraid to leave the house alone. I waited in the car for him and tried to entertain my three children.

I never ventured more than a three-mile radius from my home. I would take one of my children with me for moral support.That's how low I had sunk.I couldn't let my husband out of my sight, he was my safety net.

My husband stood by me and we both realized I needed help, but from where?

Like a dog with a bone, I gnawed on every option I could find for help. I found a therapist who had me talk and talk.I learned a lot about myself but it didn't stop the attacks.I attended an anxiety group meeting every week for three months run by professionals and yet the panic attacks continued.I hopped from doctor to doctor searching for answers.The drugs they gave me only made me high or had terrible side effects.I found that Valium gave me some peace.

For several years, I managed to live an anxious but pseudo-normal life. I got a college degree and went into the job market.But I was always looking over my shoulder, wondering if the panic demons were following me.I left several jobs when the anxiety of being away from home got to be too much.Soon I was addicted to Valium and had to go through withdrawal.Out of options and out of hope, I hit an all-time low.

Shortly thereafter, as I stood in the local bookstore, feeling despairing and depressed, I picked up a book called The Anxiety Disease by Dr. Sheehan.As I began to read, I started to cry and then I eased to the floor in sobs……my condition had a name-panic disorder-a chemical imbalance in the brain.Someone finally knew what I had.

I hunted down a doctor who specialized in treating this disorder and he put me on a specific medication for panic. I learned to help myself with positive self-talk and by pushing the envelope.I tried new things that I once found very scary.Gradually my self-confidence grew and I took on new and bigger challenges.Inside me was hidden a very competent and talented soul just waiting to blossom.

One night not too long ago, my oldest daughter asked me if I felt all those years of my life that I lived in anxiety were wasted. I stopped and thought about it.

I told her no, that I have learned to rely on my own intuition and have come to see that I am just the way God wanted me to be. I wouldn't be as strong a woman as I am today if I hadn't faced the demons in my body and my mind, if I hadn't had the courage to keep trying and never give up.I like myself just the way I am and wouldn't trade my life for anything.

During that time of awakening I worked for the President/CEOs of three Fortune 500 companies and a local councilwoman. I have been president of a woman's organization and spoke to more than 400 people at a local fundraiser.I fly again, something I once found too terrifying to even contemplate.

My friends always surprise me when they call me courageous. I am a woman of confidence and self-esteem but it seems second nature now.It wasn't always that way but there isn't too much that scares me anymore.I guess once you've stared down the panic demons and resolve to conquer them, nothing else quite compares.

～Sallie A.Rodman

我们会获取自己所战胜的力量。

——拉尔夫·沃尔多·爱默生

小时候，我无缘无故会突然觉得脚底冒出一股热浪，热浪袭遍全身，搅得我心神不宁。爸妈的声音好像渐渐离我远去，越来越模糊。一种莫名的恐惧向我袭来。我无法呼吸，手掌冒汗，浑身皮肤如蚂蚁附身般刺痛。四周的墙看起来好像要倾斜似的。

我思绪一片紊乱：“天哪，这是怎么了？我害怕得要死，我究竟怕的是什么呀？也许是自己疯了吧。我会不会是要死了呀？我刚12岁呀，这么年轻，怎么会死呢！我肯定要倒什么大霉了，太不可思议啦。”莫名的恐惧一波未停，一波又起。我心里只想逃走……逃离这撕心裂肺的恐惧。

爸爸晚餐前都要喝点鸡尾酒开胃，这时他正悠闲地靠在厨房的墙边。我想他一定是看到了我恐惧的眼神，所以轻轻抓住我的胳膊。

“萨莉，你怎么了？”

“我也不知道，爸爸。我感觉很诡异，害怕得不行。”我哭喊道。

“那你到底怕什么呀？”爸爸问道。

“我不知道，我不知道！”我一边说着，一边焦急地搓着手，围着厨房忐忑不安地踱来踱去。在我眼里，时间似乎凝固了，一切都成了慢镜头。

妈妈正在烤箱旁边忙着准备晚饭。

妈妈把餐盘放到格子桌布上，说：“坐下来吃饭吧，这样你会感觉好点儿。”妈妈的话把我从妄想中拉了回来。现在，恐惧似乎减弱了，我缓过神来，慢慢坐到餐桌前。爸妈的脸庞固定下来，不再晃动，我的心不再怦怦乱跳。我的感觉恢复正常，但仍旧迷惑不解。我刚才是怎么啦？

我相信，所有受恐惧折磨的人都是这样，都能清清楚楚地说出来他们第一次感受恐惧时的情形。而且，他们还能准确无误地记着自己当时在哪里、正在干什么。人们永远不会忘记那个改变他们一生的重要时刻。这种情景深入骨髓，让人刻骨铭心，永生难忘。

过了那晚，那种恐惧每过半小时就打击我一次。每次开始的感觉都一样：一股恐惧的情绪如突如其来的波浪，袭遍全身。那一年，我过得昏昏沉沉，全然不知所措。面对这作祟的恐惧幽灵我无计可施，无法阻挡，有点心灰意懒。当然了，我也有几近疯狂想自杀的时候，但是一到跟前就作罢，觉得自杀不是解决问题的方法。再者说，我渴望生活下去，但绝不是这种活法。

我一点都不受管教，无法自控，这让爸妈感到无所适从。我总是焦虑不安，难以入眠。我对自己身体的一举一动都有点神经过敏，害怕恐惧的幽灵又来作祟。我思绪狂乱，要是失控干出什么出格的事情该怎么办？比如在车前蹦跳、在教堂大吼大叫。

那一年的春季，作祟的恐惧幽灵终于渐渐消停了。因为不知道恐惧源自何处，所以我一直担心这家伙哪天会卷土重来。就这样，我度过了自己的青少年时期，除了高度焦虑紧张，其他基本正常。

19岁那年，我和高中恋爱的男生结婚了。在26岁前，我生了三个孩子。在这期间，由于老公在公司职务升迁，我们家搬出了洛杉矶。这一搬家，那作祟的恐惧幽灵就又回来了。我在什么地方都感觉不安，对陌生环境充满了恐惧。

我一边开车，一边还得和正在上班的老公通电话。我不敢独自待在家里，不敢独自出门。无论去哪儿，我都待在车里等老公，哄着三个孩子。

我出门从来不敢离开家方圆三英里9。每次出门，我必须带一个孩子作为精神支持。我竟被恐惧折磨到了这种地步。老公成了护身符，我片刻也不敢让他离开我的视线。

老公站在我旁边，我们俩都觉得我需要想办法求助，但是该去哪里寻求帮助呢？

就像叼着骨头的狗一样，我把所有能找到的机会都“啃”了个遍。我找了一个精神治疗专家，他和我一次次长谈。通过这位医师的“话疗”，我增加了对自身的了解，但还是无法驱除那作祟的恐惧幽灵。我还参加了一个由专家组织的小组，组里都是患焦虑症的人。我们每周开一次会，持续了三个月，但这种方式还是不见效，恐惧的幽灵依然缠着我。我真是病急乱投医，马不停蹄地换医生、找疗法。但是，这些大夫开的药不是让我高度兴奋，就是有很强的副作用。我觉得只有吃安定10才能获得片刻的安宁。

几年来，我一直心神不宁，但是表面上却和正常人一样。我读完大学，步入职场。但是，我总是盯着自己的肩膀，生怕那恐惧幽灵纠缠着我不放。当离家的焦虑压得我喘不过气的时候，我接二连三地辞职。不久，我就产生了安定依赖症，不得不离群索居，忍受孤独。我求助无门，一筹莫展，看不到希望，万念俱灰。

不久后的一天，我站在家附近的书店里，情绪低落。我顺手拿起一本书读了起来，那书是席汉大夫写的，名叫《焦虑疾病》。我读着读着就哭了，蹲到地板上抽泣了起来。原来，我得的病叫做恐慌症，是大脑化学物质不均衡导致的。终于有人告诉我得的是什么病了。

我赶紧寻觅了一个专门治疗这种症状的大夫，他给我进行了专门的药物治疗。我学会了用积极的自言自语来自我调节，并且通过不断超越自己设置的极限来刺激信心。我尝试着去做一些以前害怕的事情。渐渐地，自信心慢慢增长，我开始接受新的、更大的挑战。我内心深处那个聪明能干的灵魂终于苏醒了，就像含苞待放的花儿等待绚烂绽放。

就在前不久的一天晚上，大女儿问我是不是觉得患恐惧症的这几年虚度了。我静静地思索了一下这个问题。

我告诉她，自己没有觉得这几年是虚度光阴。得病的这几年，我学会了依靠直觉、遵从上帝的安排。如果我没有直面自己身体和精神上的“恐惧幽灵”，如果我没有一往无前、永不放弃，我就不会像今天这样坚强。我喜欢现在的自己，而且珍视现在的生活，什么也不能让我改变自己的生活。

恐慌症痊愈之后，我先后担任过三家财富五百强企业的总裁或者首席执行官的助理，并且担任过一位地方女议员的助手。我担任过一家妇女组织的主席，并且在地方募捐会上向400多人发表过讲话。我又开始展翅高飞，而之前我连想都不敢想。

朋友总是夸我有勇气，每次我都感到惊喜。我是个极为自信的女人，但是自信现在似乎成了我的第二性格。我并不总是信心满满，可起码现在不像以前那么战战兢兢了。我相信有朝一日，如果你敢直面作祟的恐惧幽灵，下定决心去征服它，那么你会所向披靡。

——萨莉·A.罗德曼