庆祝生命　Celebrating a Life

Time is a physician that heals every grief.

～Diphilus

It was almost New Year's Eve 2000，and the nation was getting ready to celebrate the dawn of a new decade. My husband, Don, and I could care less.

In July of 1999，my husband and I lost our beloved twenty-eight-year-old son when he fell asleep at the wheel. He was our accomplished classical guitarist with a master's in music.He was our handsome, blond-haired treasure that could never be replaced.He was a young man with a fabulous sense of humor, a cherished brother to his siblings, and his bright future was cut way too short.

We never were much for New Year's Eve celebrations. Oh, we'd gotten together with friends and raised a glass or two over the years on various New Year's Eves.But the holidays in 1999 and 2000 were some of the toughest days of our entire lives.When you are in early grief, you constantly replay the circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one.It must be nature's way of making it“sink in”and become real for you, so that you learn to live with this in your life.We certainly were changed forever.We felt far from festive as Christmas faded and New Year's Eve rolled around.

My husband and I grieved separately in the early years, trying to spare each other, or minimize the pain each of us was experiencing by not sharing it with each other. It took some time before we could come together and share our tears.I remember going to bed around 8 P.M.so that I would not be reminded of happy people lifting their glasses to toast a new year and a new decade.A new year without my son?A future without him in it?It was too unbearable for me to even comprehend or consider.

Each subsequent New Year's Eve got a little easier, but it was still the policy for me to avoid the group celebrations, the television coverage, and the festivities of New Year's Eves. Who would want to be around me when my mind was fixed on my terrible loss?How could I celebrate living in a world without my son for yet another year?

At some point in time, it happens. You make the switch.For me it was five years after his death.New Year's Eve was approaching.Christmas had been a celebration with family that I truly enjoyed.It was the year that I decorated a small tree with his pictures as a memorial, and it felt right.I hung his stocking that I made him as a child and smiled at the memories it brought me.

I had witnessed an episode of Dr. Phil on television where a mother who lost a daughter just could not get over her grief, and it had been TEN years.She was so, so sad and very much STUCK in her grief.I remember Dr.Phil saying to her in so many words，“You had eighteen wonderful years with your daughter, and the only thing that you are dwelling on now is her death.You need to celebrate the wonderful time you had together.”The mother looked up at him and said，“I never thought of it that way.”

I knew that I was also learning to be thankful for the years I had with my child, the blessing of his twenty-eight years. What if I'd never been blessed with knowing him at all?I realized that I could have lost him as a baby, a toddler, a young child, a teenager……but I was blessed with twenty-eight years！

That year, in 2004，my husband and I resolved to celebrate our New Year's Eve together, remembering and celebrating our Donnie, not mourning him. We looked at photographs and talked about the wonderful times with him.

My husband never made it until midnight, but I did. I stayed awake to welcome 2005，knowing it would be an even better year, because I was learning to go forward with my life.I would always have the sorrow in my life, but it was no longer overwhelming.I could make it my resolution to take forward with me the wonderful memories of my son, the ones that make me smile and subsequently help to soften the pain a little more each year.I raised my glass of wine to God at midnight saying，“Thank you for my wonderful son who blessed my life in so many ways！”

～Bevcrly Walker

时间是医治一切悲痛的良药。

——狄菲洛斯

眼看就到2000年新年前夜了，举国上下都在准备迎接新十年的曙光。我和丈夫唐却一点没有庆祝的心思。

1999年7月，28岁的爱子死于车祸，永远离我们而去。儿子是音乐硕士，是我们的吉他高手。他英俊潇洒、一头金发，是我们的宝贝，谁也无法替代。他很有幽默感，很受兄弟姐妹的喜爱。他前途无量，却英年早逝。

我们从来不怎么喜欢庆祝新年。噢，以前过新年的时候，我们还会和朋友聚会，畅饮几杯。但是，1999年和2000年之交的新年假期却成了我们一生中最为惨淡难熬的日子。刚刚失去亲人不久，逝者离世的场景不断在脑海中重演。这一定是大自然折磨人的方法，让悲痛深入骨髓，让人难以释怀。儿子去世前后，我们的生活简直有着天壤之别。圣诞与新年之间的这段时间本应喜气洋洋，但是我们却丝毫没有喜庆的感觉。

儿子刚走的那几年，我和丈夫各自悲伤。我们努力安慰对方，不敢流露自己的痛苦，怕刺激对方。过了好些日子，我们才敢彼此坦诚，倾诉内心的悲苦。我记得自己每天晚上八点就早早上床睡觉，生怕想到别人举杯欢庆，喜迎新年和新十年的到来。一个没有我儿子的新年？一个没有我儿子的未来？一想到这些我就悲痛欲绝。

虽然往后每过一个新年，我都会好受些，但是我依然坚决回避团体的庆祝活动。不看电视报道，不参加新年前夜的庆祝活动。丧子之痛萦绕在心中，难以释怀，谁敢跟我在一起待着呢？儿子没了，哪来的心情去庆祝新年呢？

在某些时候，事情就这样发生了。你可以作出改变。对我而言，这个转变花费了我五年的时间。转变就出现在那年新年前夕，圣诞节我和家里人庆祝得很愉快。我把儿子的照片挂到圣诞树上作为纪念，心情好了不少。我把儿子小时候我给他做的袜子挂了起来。睹物思人，我又想起以往的美好时光，不禁笑了。

我以前在电视上看过一集《菲尔医生》。在电视剧里面，有一位母亲沉浸在丧女之痛中长达十年之久。她深陷悲痛，无法自拔。我记得菲尔医生是这么跟她说的：“在你女儿去世前，你已经和她共度了18年的欢乐时光，何必沉浸于她离世的悲伤之中呢？你应该庆幸你们在一起度过的快乐时光才是。”这位母亲抬起头，看着医生说：“我以前从来没有这么想过。”

我知道自己也应该庆幸，庆幸与儿子一起生活的28年美好时光。我要是没有这个孩子会怎么样？我突然意识到儿子随时都可能离我而去，可能是嗷嗷待哺的时候，可能是蹒跚学步时，可能是孩童年代，也可能是少年时代……但是儿子却陪我走过了整整28年，我是多么幸运啊！

2004年那年，我和丈夫决定一起欢庆新年，不是为我们的唐尼哀悼，而是缅怀和纪念他。我们翻阅以前的照片，一起聊着跟儿子在一起的欢乐时光。

新年前夜，我丈夫从来没有熬夜熬到新年钟响。但是，我熬到了午夜，迎接2005年的到来。我知道2005年会更好，因为我正学着在生活中继续前进。丧子之痛永远难以消除，但却不像以前那样让人悲痛欲绝。我下定决心，要永远铭记对儿子的美好回忆，因为这些回忆让我重绽笑容，让我的丧子之痛逐年缓和。新年钟响，我高举酒杯：“感谢上苍，感谢上苍赐予我这么好的儿子，让幸福无处不在。”

——贝弗丽·瓦尔克