小词大玄机　Two Little Words with a Big Impacy

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.

～Maurice Setter

I have always considered myself a positive thinker, an upbeat person and an optimist. I try to find the best in every situation.I've recently become aware of how two little words in my vocabulary have had a tremendous impact on people.I didn't even realize it.

I've been listening to myself lately, and I don't like the way I sound. As a veteran teacher, I know that praise can be a huge motivational tool.I realize the importance of developing a child's self-esteem.I generously sprinkle uplifting comments around my classroom like I am fertilizing flowers.Each new school year brings a garden variety of students, and they all blossom with praise and encouragement.I know how to thank my grown kids, my grandkids and my husband for a job well done.I toss compliments to the unsuspecting if it appears someone needs a lift.I also yo-yo my positive comments right back when I use the word that makes my preschoolers giggle-BUT.

When one of my students attempted to print her name, I oohed and ahhed.“Wow！That is a great A, and your letter, D is nice and tall, but your letter, E should be short；can you erase it and try to make it shorter?”I asked. She wasn't crushed by my comment.She tried to live up to my expectation.I thought I was helping, preparing her for kindergarten, showing her the difference in size between upper case and lower case letters.I don't believe that my comment would have any long term affect on her self-worth.I imagine though, if I'd substituted the word BUT with the word AND, she'd have been proud of her accomplishment instead of questioning the“right way”to print her name.I wish I had said，“I like your nice tall letters, AND I like how hard you are trying to make your letter E.”

My recently divorced daughter called to tell me about a house she was interested in. I listened to her.I applauded her for moving forward with her life, and I said，“Honey, I am glad that you've found something you like, but……”There, I did it again！“Don't you think, with the gas prices, you might want to buy closer to your work?”As she told me all about the prospective house, I could hear the excitement and joy in her voice.The moment I spoke the word, BUT, it was as if I pricked a balloon with a needle.I could hear her slowly deflate.I sure wish I'd used the word AND.“Honey, I'm glad you found a house in your price range, AND I'm happy for you.”She knows I freely express my opinions, and I know she’s used to my mouth.I suspect that if I had leashed my tongue, her emotions wouldn’t have flip-flopped, and we’d have both hung up feeling better.

Recently I visited my son and his six-year-old little boy and six-month-old daughter. I scooped up my grandchildren and bragged.He babysits while my daughter-in-law works weekends.I told him he was a great father；I praised him for his devotion to his family.He beamed as though he was a little boy, and then I flubbed.“You should be commended for spending your whole day taking your little boy to his sports events, but don't you think he might be worn out and ready for a bath?”There I was with my bad word again！My son's smile slid away, and he said，“He'll be fine.I'll get him to bed soon.”I planted an ounce of doubt, when I should have been planting the seeds of confidence.I wish I'd said，“You’re a good father, AND I admire your ability to recognize the children’s individual needs.”

My granddaughter showed up at my door dressed like a princess on her way to the prom. I told her how beautiful she looked.I told her I was proud of the young lady she has become, and I said，“Sweetheart, I want you to have a great time, but please don't drink tonight.”I know she doesn't engage in risky behavior；she's responsible and sensible and trustworthy.She looked as though I'd snatched her crown.“Nana！”The tone of her voice indicated how I'd made her feel.How I wish I’d said，“I want you to have a great time, AND I trust you.”

My dear husband helps around the house；he did the dishes, emptied the dishwasher, and folded the laundry. I was thrilled he had lightened my work load.I thanked him.I told him how wonderful he is, and I used that naughty word again.“BUT, why did you leave crumbs all over the counter?”Why?Why?Why didn't I say，“Thank you, AND I appreciate all you do around the house.”

I've been doing some self-reflecting. I've given up on losing those twenty pounds.I've decided a walk around the neighborhood is a good substitute for vigorous exercise.I've watched dust bunnies cuddle under the sofa.I've prayed in the dark instead of at church more often than not.In other words, all those New Year’s resolutions are now null and void.I lose a pound；I eat a chocolate；I gain a pound.The bar on my treadmill makes a nice rack for hanging laundry.I’ve attended church for grand children’s christenings, and I pass the sanctuary on my way to the church office.I vacuum on weekends.I figure if the dust bunnies don’t mind snuggling for another day, I don’t care either.

My house isn't spotless, my thighs are heavy, my soul, like my face could use some uplifting, but I have decided that I simply cannot keep all those resolutions I made on January 1st. I'm ready for some spring cleaning.I'm tossing those old resolutions out and I am making one, just one, which I intend to keep.I am going to refrain from using the B word.I think I can do it, and I am going to give it my best.I know it will have a positive effect on others.BUT if I mess up, I will try again, and again, and again to remove that naughty little word from my vocabulary.I resolve to replace it with the word AND.This is a resolution I intend to keep！

～Linda O'Connell

许多人看不到生活中美好的一面，因为他们的眼光太高了。

——莫里斯·塞特尔

我一直觉得自己是个积极向上、乐观豁达的人，无论发生什么事，我总是看到事物最美好的一面。最近才发现，原来在我的“字典”里有两个很简单的小词，但是它们给别人的影响却非同寻常。我以前竟然对此毫无察觉。

最近，我开始留意自己的说话方式，厌恶地发现自己有时说话不太中听。作为一名资深教师，我很清楚表扬对人有巨大的激励作用，我也很清楚培养小孩自信心的重要性。在课堂上，我像给鲜花施肥的园丁，毫不吝惜自己的表扬。每个学年都会有一批新学生走进我的课堂。这些学生就像花园里的花朵，在表扬和鼓励的滋润下绽放。我也习惯了表扬家人，无论是老伴儿、孩子，还是孙子孙女，每当他们成功做好某件事，我都会予以褒奖。如果有人需要鼓励，我也会毫不迟疑地送出自己的赞美，有时甚至出其不意。就跟玩溜溜球一样，我会用一个词把抛出去的“赞美球”拉回来。这个词就是“但是”。每次说起这个词，学龄前的孩子们都咯咯大笑。

有一次，一个小女孩正学着写自己的名字。看到她努力的样子，我赶忙为她叫好：“哇，你的A写得真棒！你看你这个D写得很修长、很优雅啊。但是，你写的字母E太长了，能不能把它擦掉，重新再写短一点呀？”小女孩并没有觉得受了打击而一蹶不振，而是想努力达到我的期望。当时，我觉得自己是在帮她，让她清楚大写字母和小写字母的区别，为她上幼儿园作准备。我觉得，自己这么说不会对她的自尊造成深远影响。然而，如果我说的是“而且”而非“但是”的话，小女孩肯定会为自己的表现感到骄傲自满，不再纠结于正确的写法到底是什么。我真希望自己当时说的是：“老师很喜欢你写的又长又漂亮的字母，而且很欣赏你在写字母E时的用功劲儿。”

我女儿前些日子刚刚离婚。那天她给我打电话说看上了一栋房子，兴冲冲地给我介绍起那座房子。电话里，我饶有兴致地听她描述那栋房子。看到她能开始新的生活，我由衷地欣慰。我这样说道：“宝贝儿，妈妈很高兴你能找到自己喜欢的房子，但是……”我又来了！“现在油价那么高，你不觉得该住得离单位近一些吗？”女儿刚才跟我介绍那栋房子的时候，我从电话这头就能真切地感受到她的兴奋和快乐，但自己脱口而出的“但是”仿佛一根细针，戳向了圆鼓鼓的气球。电话那边的女儿就好像慢慢泄气的气球。我真希望自己当时用的是“而且”，希望自己是这么说的：“宝贝儿，祝贺你能找到价钱合适的好房子，而且妈妈很为你高兴。”尽管女儿知道我说话从来不拐弯抹角，也习惯了我的直来直去，但如果我当时能管住自己这张嘴，女儿的精神头就不会那么差，放下电话时，我们俩也不会觉得若有所失。

前一阵子，我去看望儿子一家，孙子六岁了，小孙女才六个月大。我抱起两个小家伙夸赞起来。儿媳妇周末加班的时候，儿子就在家照顾孩子。我跟儿子说他是个好爸爸，表扬他顾家。听着我的鼓励，儿子非常高兴，和他小时候受到表扬时的神情一模一样。然后，我的老毛病又犯了：“你肯整天陪儿子玩，这很不错。但是，你不觉得孩子玩一整天会很累，不觉得该给他洗个澡吗？”我又用那个糟糕的词了。儿子脸上的笑容慢慢凝固，他回答道：“没事儿，我会马上让他上床睡觉的。”该播撒信心的种子时，我却泼了人家一身冷水。真希望自己当时是这么说的：“你是个称职的父亲，而且妈妈很欣赏你，能够照顾到孩子的需要。”

有一天，外孙女一身盛装出现在我家门口，像个小公主。她要去参加一场正式舞会。我跟外孙女说，她看起来很漂亮，做外婆的很高兴看到她长成亭亭玉立的漂亮姑娘。“玩得开心点，宝贝儿，但是，今晚可别喝酒啊。”我接着说了这么一句话。我知道外孙女很懂事，从不犯险。她向来尽职尽责、通情达理，很值得信赖。听完这话，外孙女看着我，若失至宝。“哎呀，外婆！”从她的语气中我可以察觉，刚才那句话让她有多心烦。真希望自己当时是这么说的：“好好玩啊，外婆信得过你。”

亲爱的老伴在家里帮我忙里忙外，他帮我洗碗，清理洗碗机，还帮我把洗好的衣服叠起来。有他的帮助，我的工作量轻了很多，这让我很开心。我对丈夫说，很感激他的奉献，他是个模范丈夫，可是那个可恶的词又冒出来了：“但是，你为什么不能把碗橱里的碎面包屑清理干净呢？”为什么？这到底是为什么？为什么我当时说的不是：“谢谢，感谢你在屋里屋外这么劳心费神。”

我不断反思。我放弃了减肥20磅的决心，锻炼不到几天就懒得再去了，觉得在小区里面散散步也就可以了；下决心好好打扫房间，看到沙发底下满是灰尘，却也假装没看见；说去教堂做祷告也坚持不下来，常常偷懒晚上在家独自祷告。总而言之，以前下的新年决心都成了过眼云烟。我减掉一磅，吃一块巧克力，又长了一磅。说锻炼身体，但是跑步机的扶手竟成了我挂衣服的衣架。我去教堂参加孙子孙女的洗礼仪式，就算在去教堂办公处的路上经过圣殿，也不会进去做祷告。周末在家用吸尘器打扫卫生，我对家里的灰尘也是睁一只眼闭一只眼。

我们家并非一尘不染，我的大腿还是那么粗。脸上有皱纹了，我可以去做个拉皮，一时容光焕发；心情失落了，我也能暗自鼓气，振奋一时。但是，我还是觉得无法坚持完成每一个新年决心。眼看又快到年终大扫除了。我要把以前立下的决心和计划统统抛掉，立下一个新的决心——就立一个。这个决心就是克制自己不去使用“但是”这个词。我立志要把这个决心实行到底。我有信心做得到，也一定会全力以赴。因为我知道，这样做才会给别人带来积极影响。但是，如果我不小心一时失控，我会坚持去改正，改正，再改正——直到把这个讨厌的词从我的字典里彻底删掉。我决心要用“而且”替代“但是”。这就是我下定的决心！

——琳达·奥康奈尔