First example

Here is how someone new to academic essays may write the introduction (the topic-sentence is in red, essay structure in blue, thesis in purple):

This essay is about the issue of body-checking in junior ice-hockey. First, arguments for a ban on body-checking are examined. Second, arguments against a ban are discussed. It is shown that pro- ban arguments are stronger than anti-ban arguments. Therefore, the thesis of this essay is that body-checking in junior ice-hockey should be banned. 

Discussion of First example

This introduction is all right so far as it goes. It is better to have an introduction that includes the three important elements (topic, structure, thesis) than to have one that does not. Many people start out by writing essays with introductions like this one. It does have the virtue of being clear, and clarity is essential. But let us review it to see if it can be improved.  

The structure-sentences are fine. Notice that words such as first and second are useful in helping to describe how the body of an essay is organized.   However, if you can convey the structure of your essay without using too many organizational words, that is even better. 

The topic-sentence could be improved. Rather than writing: “This essay is about…” it would be better to write a few topic- sentences that convey a sense of the current state of the topic. This not only tells the reader what the topic is but it also gives the impression that you are knowledgeable about the topic and in command of your research material.

The thesis-sentences could be better. Instead of writing: “Therefore, the thesis of this essay is…” simply give a bold, factual sentence that expresses your position on the issue. This conveys an air of confidence, unlike the phrase “…the thesis of this essay…” which is timid and non-committal. 

Second example

The introduction on the next slide takes these points into account. Compare it with the previous introduction and note how wording the three main elements differently can improve the impact that the introduction has on the reader.  

    Body-checking has always been a controversial issue. However, the recent decision of Hockey Canada to allow some hockey associations to permit body-checking among players as young as nine years of age, on an experimental basis, has aggravated the controversy quite considerably in recent months. Perspectives fall into three main categories: viewpoints of fans, the official standpoint of Hockey Canada, and positions held by the scientific community. Evaluation of the main arguments shows quite clearly that Hockey Canada’s decision to allow body-checking in some junior games, even on an experimental basis, is a serious mistake.

Discussion of second example

In this second introduction, the topic-sentences give an impression of the current state of the topic (and, so, convey the topic of the essay to the reader) without using the words essay or topic. The structure-sentences inform the reader of the main parts of the body of the essay and their order of discussion (views of fans, Hockey Canada, and scientific community) without using many organizational words.

The thesis-sentences tell the reader where you stand on the issue and how you arrived at your position (through evaluation of the main arguments for and against a ban), without including words such as essay or thesis.

This second introduction gives the reader the impression that you are knowledgeable on the topic, and that doing the research has led you to an intelligent, informed thesis. Why didn’t the first introduction have the same effect?