Hello, everyone. In the previous section, we have studied the difference between sex and gender. Today, we are going to study cross-gender communication culture, from the view of feminine and masculine communication styles.

1.Why are there differences?

It is common for men and women to have different views and responses in daily communication. But have you ever thought about the question why men and women have such striking differences?

Some may say, men and women are born different, so are the conversational styles; others would say, it is due to different language competence between the two sexes.Yes, you partly kick the point. The reasons why men’s conversation styles diverse from women’s mainly lie in psychology and society.

Psychologically, women tend to focus on intimacy to others and men on personal independence during communication, although intimacy and independence are essential to human beings.

Besides, the differences seem to begin from infancy, when girls and boys are socialized into feminine and masculine cultures respectively. The gender socialization is mainly influenced by family communication and recreational interaction among peers.

In families, daughters are identified with mothers who are of the same sex, they can be identified in the primary relationship. But sons cannot develop their identities because of different sexes, so they have to separate from the first relationship with mothers and establish their selfhoods. So, girls tend to define themselves in a community and make connections, while boys have to define themselves independently, establish self-identity and maintain status ingroups.

Meanwhile, children’s recreational interaction is usually sex-segregated. In playing games, girls generally focus on experience and be cooperative, collaborative, inclusive and sensitive towards others. Boys pay their attention to achievement. They are competitive, assertive to establish their status and leadership. According to Deborah Tannen (1999), boys and girls want to get their way, but they tend to do so differently (chapter 2:20). Then how are their words different from each other?  

2.What are the differences?

The differences can be mainly summarized in the following aspects: amount of verbal language, purpose of talking and feedback of communication.

Firstly, could you think about the question “who talks more, men or women” in the first thought? Yes, most of you will have “women” flash into your mind. Linguist Jennifer Coates (2000) gives us notes of some proverbs: “A woman’s tongue wags like a lamb’s tail. Foxes are all tail and women are all tongue.” However, after serious study by linguists, it is not always true. Studies show that men talk more at meetings, in mixed-group discussions and in classrooms where girls or young women sit next to boys or young men, so males tend to do “public speaking”; while females always talk more on the telephone, in social situations with friends, or have gossip talk, they tend to do “private speaking”. Public speaking and private speaking are similar to the following terms: “report-talk” and “rapport-talk”.

For example: One man was invited to join a talk with some women about communicating between genders. During the discussion, who is more talkative? Those women or this man? Actually, the man gave full explanations and lengthy comments. He heavily agreed when women complained that their husbands did not talk at home. But hesaid, his wife was a talker at home. When he went back home from work, he usually had nothing to say, but his wife’s talk never came to an end. In this case, there is a silent man and a talkative woman.  

The two genders talk for different purposes. For most men, talk is primarily a means to establish and maintain independence, status and power in social communities; females use talk to make connections and relationships, create equality between people, showing care and support others.

One example of a husband opening a newspaper shows the difference:

H: Is there anything you would like to say to me before I begin reading the newspaper?

W: Yes.Thank you for knowing I am here!

To males, talking is for information, he needs to be informed of something necessary; but to his wife, talking is for involvement, listening is to show one’s interest and caring. So, for most of the time, women feel keen for verbal interaction, while men avoid personal disclosures.

Now let’s see another example: Li Gang and Han Mei are colleagues in one firm. One morning they discuss a marketing plan. When Li Gang presents his ideas, Han Mei nods and says “Um”, “Uhhuh” and “Yes”. After presentation, Li Gang asks Han Mei’s opinion on the plan, she says, “I am really not sure that the plan will work.” Feeling puzzled, Li Gang asks, “Then why do you agree during my presentation?” “What makes you think I was agreeing with you?”

Women give a lot of response cues, both verbal or nonverbal behaviors to show interest and involvement during communicating to build relationship; but men focus on specific outcome, agreement or disagreement. In this case, Han Mei nods to show her interest in the talk. She is being responsive and encouraging the talk to go on. Her reaction is anything but agreement, which is misunderstood by Li Gang.

Owing to these differences, it is never easy to communicate with the other gender. Are there any tricks? Do you have any suggestions? Your suggestions are always welcomed.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Do husband and wife understand each other? Let us listen to John Gary, the writer of Men from Mars, Women from Venus, his talk about personal experience of communicating with his wife.