My Debt in Life

                                 Selma Lagerlöf

1 A few days ago I was sitting in the train, bound for Stockholm. It was early evening; there was little light in my compartment (列车车厢) and none at all outside. My fellow passengers were dozing(打瞌睡) in their respective corners, and I was very quiet, listening to the rattling (嘎嘎作响) of the train.

2 And then I began to think of all the other times I had come up to Stockholm. It had usually been to do something difficult — to pass examinations or to find a publisher(出版商) for my manuscript(手稿). And now I was coming to receive the Nobel Prize in Literature. That, too, I thought would be difficult.

3 Deep within me, however, was a great joy at receiving this Prize, and I tried to get rid of my anxiety by thinking of those who would rejoice (欣喜) at my good fortune. There were my good friends, my brothers and sisters and, first and foremost my old mother who, sitting back home, was happy to have lived to see this day.

4 But then I thought of my father and felt a deep sorrow that he should no longer be alive, and that I could not go to him and tell him that I had been awarded the Nobel Prize. I knew that no one would have been happier than he to hear this.

5 Anyone who has ever sat in a train as it rushes through a dark night will know that sometimes there are long minutes when the coaches slide smoothly (平稳地) along without so much as a shudder (战栗). All rustle (沙沙声) and bustle (喧嚣) cease and the sound of the wheels becomes a soothing (安慰的), peaceful melody (曲子). Well, that is how it was as I sat there and thought how much I should like to see my old father again. And so I began to daydream (做白日梦):"Just think, if I were going to meet Father in Paradise (天堂)! I seem to have heard of such things happening to other people — why, then, not to myself?" The train went gliding (滑动) on but it had a long way to go yet, and my thoughts raced ahead of it. Father will certainly be sitting in a rocking chair on a veranda (门廊), with a garden full of sunshine and flowers and birds in front of him.

6 He will say,"Good day, my daughter, I am very glad to see you", or "Why, you are here, and how are you, my child", just as he always used to do.

7 He will settle again in his rocking chair and only then begin to wonder why I have come to see him. "You are sure there is nothing wrong?" he will ask suddenly.

8 "No, Father, all is well," I will reply. But then, just as I am about to break my news to him, I will decide to keep it back just a while longer and try the indirect approach. "I have come to ask you for advice, Father," I will say, "for I am very heavily in debt."

9 "I am afraid you will not get much help from me in this matter," Father will reply. "One may well say of this place that it has everything except money."

10 "Ah, but it is not money that I owe, Father." Father then will say, "But that's even worse. Begin right at the beginning, Daughter."

11 "It is not too much to ask that you should help, Father, for it was all your fault right from the beginning. Do you remember how you used to play the piano and sing Bellman's songs to us children and how, at least twice every winter, you would let us read Runeberg and Andersen? It was then that I first fell into debt. Father, how shall I ever repay them for teaching me to love fairy tales and stories of heroes, the land we live in and all of our human life?"

12 Father will straighten up in his rocking chair and a wonderful look will come into his eyes. "I am glad that I got you into this debt," he will say.

13 "Yes, you may be right, Father, but then remember that that is not all of it. Think how many creditors (债权人) I have. Think of those poor, homeless (无家可归的) people who used to travel up and down our native place in your youth, playing the fool and singing all those songs. And the old men and women sitting in their small grey cottages and telling me wonderful stories. It was they who taught me that there is poetry in hard rocks and black forests. And think, Father, of our own peasants — do I owe them nothing for giving me such glorious deeds to write about? And I am in debt not only to people; there is the whole of nature as well. The animals that walk the earth, the birds in the skies, the trees and flowers — they have all told me some of their secrets."

14 Father will smile and nod his head and look not at all worried. "But don't you understand, Father, that I carry a great burden of debt?" I will say, and look more and more serious. "No one on earth knows how I can repay it, but I thought that you, in Heaven (天堂), would know."

15 "We do," Father will say and be as carefree and relaxed as he used to be. "Never fear, child, there is a remedy for your trouble."

16 "Yes, Father, but that's not all. I am also heavily in debt to those who have formed and molded (塑造) our language into the good instrument that it is, and taught me to use it. And, then, am I not in debt to those who have written in prose (散文) and in verse(韵文) before my time, who have turned writing into art, the torchbearers(启蒙者), the pathfinders(先驱)? The great Norwegians (挪威人), the great Russians (俄罗斯人) who wrote when I was a child, do I not owe them a thousand debts?"

17 "Yes, yes," Father will say. "You are right, yours is a heavy debt but, never fear, we will find a way."

18 "Father, I am also in debt to my readers. I owe them so much."

19 "Yes, yes," Father will say, and I shall see him look a little less calm. Surely, he will begin to understand that it will not be easy to help me.

20 "Remember all who have helped me, Father!" I shall say. "Do you not understand now that I had to come to you to ask how such debts can be paid?"

21 Father has lowered his head and does not look so hopeful any more.

22 "I agree, Daughter, it is not going to be easy to find help for you but, surely, there is nothing more you owe anyone?"

23 "Yes, Father, I have found it difficult enough to bear all that I owed before, but my biggest debt has not yet come. That is why I had to come to you for advice."

24 "I cannot understand how you could owe still more," Father will say.

25 "Oh, yes." I will reply, and then I will tell him all about this.

26 "I just cannot believe the Academy ..." Father will say but, looking at me and seeing my face, he will know it is all true. And, then, every wrinkle in his face will tremble and tears will come into his eyes.

27 "What am I to say to those who put my name up for the Prize and to those who have made the decision — think, Father, it is not only honor and money they are bestowing on me. They have shown that they have trust enough in me to single me out before the whole world. How shall I repay this debt?"

28 Father will sit and still no words will come as he thinks. Then, drying tears of joy from his eyes, he will bang down his fist on the arm of the rocking chair and say, "I will not rack my brains about problems that no one in Heaven or on earth can solve. I am too happy that you have been given the Nobel Prize to worry about anything!"

29 Your Majesties(陛下), Your Royal Highnesses (殿下), Ladies and Gentlemen — having received no better answer than this to all my questions, it only remains to me to ask you to join me in the toast(祝酒) which I have the honor to propose to the Swedish (瑞典的) Academy.

                         生命的亏欠

                                塞尔玛•拉格洛夫

1    几天前，我坐在火车上，前往斯德哥尔摩。天刚入夜，车厢内光线幽暗，车外已是一片漆黑。同车的旅客在各自的角落里打瞌睡，我静静地坐着，听着火车喀嚓喀嚓地行进。

2    这时，我开始回想过去前往斯德哥尔摩的一桩桩往事。通常都是些劳神费力的事——去考试或是为书稿找出版商。这次，我是去领“诺贝尔文学奖”的，但我想这也绝不轻松。

3    不过，在内心深处，我还是会因为得奖而欣喜。我想着那些会为我的好运而高兴的人们，以此来排遣自己的焦虑心情。我的好朋友，我的兄弟姐妹，都会为我高兴，最重要的是，我年迈的母亲，坐在家中，也会很高兴她能活着看到这一天。

4    但随后我又想到父亲，不禁悲从中来，他已不在人世，我不能告诉他我得了诺贝尔奖。可我知道，听到这个消息，他一定会比谁都高兴。

5    坐过夜车的人都知道，火车在黑夜中疾驰，有时一连数分钟，车厢会平稳地滑行，没有任何颤动，簌簌声、喧嚣声都停止了，车轮的声音汇成了抚慰、平和的乐曲。这正是当时的情形。我坐在那儿，想着自己多么渴望再次见到我的老父亲。于是我的思绪开始飘飞。“假设，我现在是去天堂见父亲！我好像听说过类似的事情曾发生在别人身上，那发生在我身上又何妨？”火车继续平稳前进，但前路漫漫，我的思绪越过列车而驰骋。父亲肯定是坐在门廊的摇椅上，面前是阳光灿烂、鸟语花香的庭园。

6    他会说，”你好啊，我的女儿，见到你真高兴，”或者说，“哟，你来了，你好吗，我的孩子？”，一如从前。

7    他会坐回到摇椅上，这才想起问我为什么来看他。“你肯定没什么问题吗？”他会突然问道。

8    “没有，爸，一切都好着呢，”我会回答。随后，我正想告诉他这个消息，临时决定故意再多隐瞒一会儿，用间接的方式告诉他。“我是来向您求助的，爸，”我会说，“因为我负债累累。”

9    “这事我恐怕帮不上什么忙啊，”父亲会说。“这地方可说是什么都有，就是没钱。”

10    “噢，可我欠的不是钱，爸。” 这时父亲就会说，“那就更难办了。从头说起吧，女儿。”

11    “我来让您帮忙，可不算过分，爸，因为全都是您的错，从一开始就是。您可记得，我们小时候，您弹着钢琴为我们唱贝尔曼的歌曲吗？还有，每年冬天至少两次，您都会让我们读鲁内贝格和安徒生呢。从那时起我就开始欠债。爸，让我怎么回报他们呢？正是他们教我热爱童话，英雄传奇，我们生活的土地，还有所有人类的生活。”

12    父亲会在摇椅中坐直身子，眼睛里有一种奇妙的眼神。“我很高兴我让你背上了这笔债，”他会说。

13    “是啊，也许你是对的，爸，不过请记住，这还不是全部呢。想想我还欠了多少人的债。想想你年轻时，那些贫穷的、无家可归的流浪艺人在我们的家乡游荡，演滑稽戏，唱着所有那些歌谣。还有那些老人家，坐在小小的灰色农舍里，给我讲精彩的故事。是他们教会我，坚硬的岩石和黑暗的森林中也蕴藏着诗意。爸，想想我们自己的农夫——他们如此光辉的事迹为我提供了写作素材，我就什么也不欠他们吗？我欠的债不只是人类的；还有整个自然的。地上的走兽、空中的飞鸟、花草树木——它们都告诉了我各自的一些秘密。”

14    父亲会微笑，点点头，根本不着急。“可是，您还不明白吗，爸？我负着一笔沉重的债务啊。”我会说，神情也越来越严肃。“世间没人知道我要如何才能偿还这笔债务，可我还以为你们天国的人会知道呢。”

15    “我们知道啊，”父亲会说，一副轻松随意的模样，一如从前。“别怕，孩子，你的烦恼会有解决办法的。”

16    “不错，爸，可是我还没说完呢。还有那些人，他们把我们的语言锻造成如今这么精良的工具，并教会我如何使用，我也欠他们太多。还有啊，那些在我出生之前就写下各种诗文的人，将写作变成艺术，传递知识、开创道路的人，我难道不欠他们的吗？那些伟大的挪威人，伟大的俄罗斯人，在我孩提时就已在写作的他们，难道我不欠他们一千一万笔债吗？”

17    “是，是，”父亲会说。“你说得对，你是负了沉重的债，不过，别怕，我们总会想出办法的。”

18    “爸，我还欠了读者的债。欠他们太多了。”

19    “对啊，对啊，”父亲会说，这时他该看来不那么泰然自若了。可以肯定，这时他会开始明白，要帮我并不容易。

20    “想想所有帮助过我的人，爸！”我会说。“你现在还不明白吗，我来找您是想问您如何还清这一切债务？”

21    父亲已经把头低下，不再信心十足。

22    “我同意，女儿，要为你找到帮助并不是件容易的事。不过，你肯定你没再欠别的什么人的债了吗？”

23    “有啊，爸，之前欠下的债已经让我觉得不堪重负，但还有一笔最大的债呢，就是为这笔债我才来向您请教的。”

24    “我真不知道你还能欠什么样的债，”父亲会说。

25    “啊，能啊。”我会回答，然后告诉他得奖始末。

26    “我真是不敢相信文学院……”父亲会说，但看看我，看着我的脸，他会知道一切都是真的。然后，他脸上的每一条皱纹都会颤抖，泪水会涌入他的眼中。

27    “那些提名我获奖的人，还有那些决定颁奖给我的人，我要对他们说什么呢？爸，他们给我的，不只是荣誉和金钱。他们这是对我有足够的信心，才把我挑选出来，推向整个世界。我又如何才能偿清这笔债呢？”

28    父亲会坐在那里，一言不发，他思考时都会这样。然后，他会拭去欢乐的泪水，一拳砸在摇椅的扶手上，说道：“我才不会绞尽脑汁想那些天上地下都没人能解决的问题呢。你得了诺贝尔奖，我太高兴了，顾不上操心别的事了！”

29    国王及王后陛下，殿下，女士们，先生们——我所有的问题没有找到比这更好的答案，我只能邀请各位与我举杯向瑞典文学院致意。