When Should We Touch Others

Alan Macfarlane

 1. 

The social space is partly symbolic and invisible and hence dealt with through gestures, postures, language. But it is also partly physical, and hence can be observed in body distances. The range of body distance varies with the degree ofintimacy and equality that is thought to exist in the relationship.

 2. 

At one extreme is “untouchability”, whether literally (as in the caste system) or through keeping one’s distance, as when a nobleman finds it distasteful to be close to a commoner. Neither of these two extreme situations is what we commonly associate with life in Britain, though there are some exceptions.

 3. 

At the other extreme is what we find in certain tribal and peasant societies.Here there is, within the group, very little social and physical distance. So people will often stand or sit disconcertingly close for a Westerner’s tastes, while some Africans find that Westerners appear aloof and stand too far away.

 4. 

In some societies there seems to be little appreciation of privacy, separateness, the need for a protected zone of intimacy into which no one intrudes. I remember vividly the shock of living in a village in Nepal where the door was open and people dropped in constantly and commented on everything I was doing. They followed us on our trips out of the village when we were trying to create a little personal space, and even going to the toilet out in the fields in private was a difficult exercise.

 5. 

It is therefore interesting that many of the English effect a compromise; more or less the same physical distance is maintained for everybody, whether they are intimate or distant from us. Everyone stands under one law, the law of compromise, not too far apart, nor too close. They should be close enough to show engagement and involvement, but not so close as to cause embarrassment and intrusion. And, on the whole, we consider an intrusion into our personal space without an invitation odd and possibly threatening.

 6. 

The questions of personal space are a delicate compromise, and as times and influences change they become confused. Twenty years ago I would have considered it very strange to kiss female friends or acquaintances on the cheek or to hug men, but now these continental customs have spread widely. I constantly find myself wondering how to behave.

 7. 

It used to be so easy — a handshake at the start and end of a meeting with a friend. Now I often wonder when and how we should kiss or hug. The problem is even greater across cultures. In Japan, to kiss on the lips in public is an obscene gesture, even when the couple are married, and even touching another in public until recently was considered rather indecent. A bow and a name card on first meeting; thereafter just a bow or smile.

 8. 

Yet even the simple handshake is a delicate art. It symbolizes friendship, equality, mutual grasping, in other words involvement and the taking of acalculated risk (of being rejected) by stretching out one’s hand. At the same time, however, the arm is extended and fends off the other; this is not adrawing together as in the embrace. It is a stiff gesture: let us be friends, but let us also keep our distance and respect our mutual independence. The handshake and an older form of rather restrained middle-class Englishness went together well.

 9. 

Two friends are like magnets. They can be mutually attracted, yet if they get too close, there can be repulsion to a safer distance. Friendship is thus a balancing act, like a ballet or dance. It is spontaneous and to be worked at, both natural and artificial. Like happiness it comes unexpectedly and cannot be forced. It is usually a side-effect of other interests.

 10. 

Humans are very social animals and love to love and be loved. To be able to feel warmth in the company of good friends or mates is a special pleasure. It helps to overcome some of the loneliness of our rushed and individualistic lives. We are no longer islands, but part of a continent. We find mirrors for ourselves in others, support and help in difficulties, the pleasure of giving when we have too much. Some of the moments I shall always treasure are those when, as true friends, you and I have explored the world together, enjoying a new garden, a visit to the Natural History Museum, or discovering the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm, with a joy that could not have come if we had been on our own.

【译文】

何时应肢体接触

艾伦•麦克法兰

1. 

社交空间距离在一定程度上有着象征性和无形性，因此只能通过手势、 姿势和语言来实现。 但另一方面它也是有形的，因此能通过人体间的距离观察到。 人和人之间的身体距离因其关系亲疏和地位高低而不同。

2. 

一个极端是“不可接触”，无论按照字面上的意思（如种姓制度里）还是通过保持距离，如贵族会觉得接近平民是件令人生厌的事情。 这两种极端的情形都跟英国人的生活无关，虽然有时会有一些例外。

3. 

另一个极端存在于某些部落或者农耕社会当中。 在部落或者群体之间，无论是社会距离还是身体距离都很小。 所以在西方人看来，他们无论是坐还是站的距离都近得令人难受。而在一些非洲人看来，西方人显得难以接近、跟人保持过远的距离。

4. 

在一些社会当中，人们不太理会隐私、独处、对不受人打扰的被保护私密空间的需要。 我现在都还清楚地记得，当我住在尼泊尔的一个村庄时，我的房门是开的，人们不断涌入我的房间，而且对我做的每一件事情都指指点点的，让我多么震惊。 当我们试图想要保持一点点私人空间时，那里的人们却一直跟着我们出庄。就连悄悄去田地里方便，对于我们来说都是非常艰难的一件事情。

5. 

因此，有意思的是许多英国人达成一种折中：人与人之间的距离基本保持一致，无论他们的关系是亲密还是疏远。 大家都遵循一个原则，而这个原则就是折中：不要太远，也不能太近。 人们之间的距离应该是近得可以显示你的投入和参与，但又不至于近得侵入私人空间，让人尴尬。总的说来，没有邀请就侵入私人空间会让人觉得不可思议，甚至觉得受威胁。 

6. 

私人空间的问题是一种微妙的妥协。随着时间的推移和影响的变化，这些问题会变得混乱。 20年前，亲吻女性朋友或女熟人的脸颊，或者拥抱男同胞，我都会觉得很奇怪，但是现在这些欧洲大陆的习惯已广泛流传。 我常常手足无措。

7. 

过去是多么简单，朋友见面和分别时握握手即可。 现在我却常常弄不清什么时候该亲吻或拥抱，怎么亲吻或拥抱。 在不同文化背景下，这个问题就更严重了。 在日本，大庭广众亲嘴是下流的行为，即便亲嘴的人是夫妻，即使到不久前在公众场合触碰别人也被认为是相当不当的行为。 初次见面时鞠个躬、递上一张名片，以后见面时仅仅鞠躬或者微笑就足够了。

8. 

不过，就连一个简单的握手也是一种微妙的艺术。 握手代表友谊、平等、相互理解。换言之，它代表投入，表示伸出手的那瞬间就经历着暗中盘算过的一次冒险（会被拒绝）。 同时，手臂伸出去也就挡住了别人；握手不像拥抱一般把距离拉近。 它是一个僵硬的动作，意思是：让我们成为朋友，同时也保持距离、尊重各自的独立性吧。 握手跟较老派且保守的中产阶级英国风格相得益彰。

9. 

两个朋友之间就像是磁铁。 他们会相互吸引，但当他们过于接近时又会相互排斥，使双方处于一个安全距离。 因此交友是一种平衡的行为，如同芭蕾或者其他舞蹈。 它既是自发的又是需要经营的，既是自然的又是人工的。 如同幸福，友谊是不期而至不可强求的。 它通常来自其他兴趣爱好。

10. 

人类是社会性非常强的动物，喜欢爱别人和被人爱。 能够感受和好朋友或伙伴们在一起的温暖是件特别惬意的事情。它可以帮助我们排解一些行色匆匆、独自生活的寂寞。 我们不再是岛屿，而是大陆的一部分。我们可以以他人为镜，在困难时找到支持和帮助，拥有太多时享受给予之乐。 作为真正的朋友，你我一起去探索世界，去游园观景，去参观自然历史博物馆，或者去发现格林兄弟童话里的秘密，这样的快乐是绝不可能在独处时候能够体验到的。这些将成为我永远珍惜的时刻。