What Should We Do for Our Friends?

By Roger Baumgarte

1 Take a minute and think about one of your closest friends, someone you care deeply about, someone you see as important in your life.

2 Now that you have this person firmly in mind, I want you to imagine you are together and your friend happens to be driving. You are in the passenger seat. And as much as you love this person, you have to admit your friend is driving rather recklessly and too fast. Then the unthinkable happens: your friend hits a pedestrian.

3 The pedestrian is seriously injured and taken to hospital. Your friend is put on trial and you are called to testify. In fact, you are the only witness to the event. The outcome of the trial will depend on your evidence. If you testify your friend was speeding, he or she will go to prison. If you testify your friend was not speeding, he or she will very likely go free. It’s all up to you.What would you do?

4 Before reading on, please decide — will you testify your friend was speeding, or will you testify your friend was not speeding?

5 Trompenaars put this scenario to thousands of people in a wide variety of cultures. He found that people differ dramatically in what they see as the appropriate thing for a good friend to do. In the U.S., 93% of respondents said they would testify against their close friend, stating he or she was indeed speeding. By comparison, in South Korea, only 37% said they would testify their close friend was speeding.

6 The typical American would feel truly bad testifying against a close friend. Yet, he or she feels no strong obligation to bend the truth just to save a friend from serving jail time, especially since the friend was clearly in the wrong. Americans tend to see it as a matter of legalities, applying the rule of law fairly to all concerned, regardless of personal relationships. Telling the truth is the only fair thing to do in this case.

7 South Koreans assess the situation quite differently. In their culture, friends feel a strong obligation to protect one another, which leads them to consider that the fair and appropriate thing to do in this case is to stand up for the friend. After all, if you can’t count on your friends to stand by you in times of need, whom can you trust? Fairness means being true to one’s friends.

8 The Korean style of friendship came out quite clearly in another study comparing the friendship styles of university students in five different cultures. Students in France, Spain, the U.S., Cuba and China were asked to read the following sketch in their own language:

9 Megan and Cheryl attend the same university and are the best of friends. While they often have fun together and care a lot about each other, schoolwork is one area where they differ. Megan is less interested in school and is only an average student, while Cheryl does well in nearly every course she takes. Cheryl tries to influence Megan to be a better student so she will be successful in life. Sometimes, Cheryl reads over Megan’s class notes, making corrections and adding specific information for her to study. Cheryl often insists Megan study when she doesn’t really feel like it. Cheryl thinks Megan is too interested in having fun and not sufficiently serious about her work. They are best friends but they clearly have different ideas about school.

10 They were then asked to rate this friendship. Students in France and the U.S. tended to see it as an unhealthy relationship. They saw Cheryl as too controlling — many thought she needed to mind her own business and not try to change Megan to be someone she is not. Cheryl, they argued, must learn to accept Megan the way she is. Students in China, Spain and Cuba were more likely to see it as a warm, healthy and caring relationship. Cheryl genuinely cared about Megan and was doing all she could to help her out. The students in these cultures were accustomed to the idea that good friends naturally take care of each other, intervening in each other’s lives, helping them to become better people. To them, these are normal friend behaviors. It is what good friends do.

我们该为朋友做些什么？

罗杰·鲍姆加特

1花费一分钟想一想一位你最亲近的朋友，一位你极为关心的朋友，一位你认为在你生活中占据重要地位的朋友。

2既然你的脑子里已确定了这位朋友是谁，我要你设想一下你俩在一起，而你的朋友恰好在开车。你坐在乘客席上。虽然你爱这位朋友，但是你不得不承认他此时车子开得非常鲁莽，车速太快。接着，不可思议的事情发生了，你的朋友撞上了一位行人。

3被撞的行人伤势严重，被送往医院。你的朋友被告上法庭受审，而你被传唤作证。事实上，在此案例中，你是唯一的目击者。判决的结果将取决于你的证词。如果你作证你的朋友超速，他/她将入狱服刑。如果你作证你的朋友没有超速，他/她很可能被无罪释放。这一切将取决于你。你会怎么做？

4在往下读之前，请做出你的决定：是作证你朋友超速呢，还是作证你朋友没有超速？

5特拉普纳斯将这个设想的情景问了成千上万来自不同文化的受访者。他发现人们对一个好朋友在这种情况下该怎么做有着截然不同的看法。在美国，93%的受访者说他们会对他们亲密的朋友做出不利的证词，说出他/她确实超速的事实。相比之下，在韩国仅有37%的受访者说他们将会作证说他们的亲密朋友是在超速驾驶。

6典型的美国人在对亲密朋友做出不利证词时，确实会感到很难过。然而他们并不认为仅仅为了朋友免遭入狱服刑就有必要歪曲事实，尤其当该朋友有明显过错时。美国人倾向于将其视为一个合不合法的问题，法律条规应公平地应用于相关的所有人，而不管私人关系如何。在此案例中实话实说才是公正的做法。

7然而，韩国人对这一情况的评估截然不同。在他们的文化中，朋友之间感到有强烈的义务相互保护，这使得他们认为在该案例中公平合适的做法就是站在朋友一边。毕竟，如果在你需要帮助时，不能指望朋友站在你一边，你还能依靠谁呢？公正的意思就是忠实于自己的朋友。

8在另一项研究中，这种韩式友谊风格显露得极为鲜明。这项研究对来自五个不同文化背景的大学生的友谊风格进行了比较。来自法国、西班牙、美国、古巴和中国的大学生被要求阅读下面用本国语言写的短文：

9梅根和谢丽尔上同一所大学，她俩是最要好的朋友。他们虽然经常在一起玩，彼此非常关心，但是她俩在做功课方面却不相同。梅根对学习不太感兴趣，仅仅是一名普通的学生，而谢丽尔几乎在她所上的每一门课程里成绩都很好。谢丽尔试图影响梅根，让她成为一个更好的学生，从而在未来人生中获得成功。有时，谢丽尔仔细阅读梅根的课堂笔记，做些修正并增加某些有关材料供她学习。当梅根不想学习时，谢丽尔还时常坚持要求她学习。谢丽尔认为梅根太贪玩、对自己的学习不够认真。她俩是最要好的朋友，但显然对学习有着不同的想法。

10读完之后，这些来自五个不同文化背景的大学生被要求对梅根和谢丽尔的友谊进行评价。法国和美国学生往往视之为一种不健康的关系。他们认为谢丽尔控制他人的欲望太强，很多人认为谢丽尔应该少管闲事，不要想方设法去改变梅根。他们说谢丽尔必须学会接受现实的梅根。来自中国、西班牙、古巴的学生多视梅根和谢丽尔的友谊为一种热情的、健康的、有同情心的友谊，并认为谢丽尔对梅根的关心是真诚的，是在尽一切可能帮助她。来自这三种文化背景的大学生，习惯于一个想法，即朋友之间自然地相互照顾，相互干预彼此的生活，从而帮助朋友成为更好的人。对他们而言，这些都是正常的朋友之举，好朋友都这么做。