Sex differences in English gossip rules

1 Contrary to popular belief, researchers have found that men gossip just as much as women. In one  English study, both sexes devoted the same amount  of conversation time (about 65 per cent) to social topics such as personal relationships; in another, the difference was found to be quite small, with gossip accounting for 55 per cent of male conversation time and 67 per cent of female time. As sport and leisure  have been shown to occupy about ten per cent of  conversation time, discussion of football could well account for the difference.

2   Men were certainly found to be no more likely than women to discuss “important” or “highbrow” subjects such as politics, work, art and cultural matters – except (and this was a striking difference) when women were present. On their own, men gossip, with no more than five per cent of conversation time devoted to non-social subjects such as work or politics. It is only in mixed-sex groups, where there are women to impress, that the proportion of male conversation time devoted to these more “highbrow” subjects increases dramatically, to between 15 and 20 per cent.

3 In fact, recent research has revealed only one significant difference, in terms of content, between male and female gossip: Men spend much more time talking about themselves. Of the total time devoted to conversation about social relationships, men spend two thirds talking about their own relationships, while women only talk about themselves one third of the time.

4 Despite these findings, the myth is still widely believed, particularly among males, that men spend their conversations “solving the world’s problems”, while the womenfolk gossip in the kitchen. In my focus groups and interviews, most English males initially claimed that they did not gossip, while most of the females readily admitted that they did. On further questioning, however, the difference turned out to be more a matter of semantics than practice: What the women were happy to call “gossip”, the men defined as “exchanging information”.

5 Clearly, there is a stigma attached to gossip among English males, an unwritten rule to the effect that, even if what one is doing is gossiping, it should be called something else. Perhaps even more important: It should sound like something else. In my gossip research, I found that the main difference between male and female gossip is that female gossip actually sounds like gossip. There seem to be three principal factors involved: the tone rule, the detail rule and the feedback rule.

The tone rule

6 The Englishwomen I interviewed all agreed that a particular tone of voice was considered appropriate for gossip. The gossip-tone should be high and quick, or sometimes a stage whisper, but always highly animated. “Gossip’s got to start with something like [quick, high-pitched, excited tone] ‘Oooh – Guess what? Guess what?’” explained one woman, “or ‘Hey, listen, listen [quick, urgent stage whisper] – you know what I heard?’” Another told me: “You have to make it sound surprising or scandalous, even when it isn’t really. You’ll go, ‘Well, don’t tell anyone, but …’ even when it’s not really that big of a secret.”

7   Many of the women complained that men failed to adopt the correct tone of voice, recounting items of gossip in the same flat, unemotional manner as any other piece of information, such that, as one woman sniffed, “You can’t even tell it’s gossip.” Which, of course, is exactly the impression the males wish to give.

The detail rule

8 Females also stressed the importance of detail in the telling of gossip, and again bemoaned the shortcomings of males in this matter, claiming that men “never know the details”. “Men just don’t do the he-said-she-said thing,” one informant told me, “and it’s no good unless you actually know what people said.” Another said: “Women tend to speculate more … They’ll talk about why someone did something, give a history to the situation.” For women, this detailed speculation about possible motives and causes, requiring an exhaustive raking over “history”, is a crucial element of gossip, as is detailed speculation about possible outcomes. English males find all this detail boring, irrelevant and, of course, unmanly.

The feedback rule

9 Among Englishwomen, it is understood that to be a “good gossip” requires more than a lively tone and attention to detail: You also need a good audience, by which they mean appreciative listeners who give plenty of appropriate feedback. The feedback rule of female gossip requires that listeners be at least as animated and enthusiastic as speakers. The reasoning seems to be that this is only polite; the speaker has gone to the trouble of making the information sound surprising and scandalous, so the least one can do is to reciprocate by sounding suitably shocked. Englishmen, according to my female informant, just don’t seem to have grasped this rule. They do not understand that “You are supposed to say ‘NO! Really?’ and ‘Oh my GOD!’”

10 My female informants agreed, however, that a man who did respond in the approved female manner would sound inappropriately girly, or even disturbingly effeminate. Even the gay males I interviewed felt that the “NO! Really?” kind of response would be regarded as decidedly “camp”. The unwritten rules of English gossip etiquette do allow men to express shock or surprise when they hear a particularly juicy bit of gossip, but it is understood that a suitable expletive conveys such surprise in a more acceptably masculine fashion.

课文翻译：

英国人闲聊的性别差异

 

 1    与普遍的看法相反，研究人员发现：男人和女人一样爱闲聊。英国的一项研究发现：男性和女性谈论诸如人际关系这类社会话题的时间一样多，大约是65%；另一项研究则表明：男人谈话时有55%的时间在闲聊，女人闲聊的时间是67%，两性之间的差异不大。由于体育和休闲大约占10%的说话时间，所以很可能是谈论足球的时间导致了这种性别上的差异。

 2     男人并没有比女人花更多的时间去谈论政治、工作、艺术及文化等“重要”或“高雅”话题，除非女人在场（这就形成了强烈的对比）。女人不在场的时候，男人也闲聊，他们谈论工作或政治等非交际性话题的时间不会超过5%。而男女都在场时，为了引起女人的注意，男人谈论“高雅”话题的时间会大大增加，达到15%至20%。

 3     事实上，最近的研究表明，男人和女人的闲聊内容只存在一个重要的差别：男人会花更多的时间谈论自己。在谈论社会关系的时间中，男人用三分之二的时间谈论自己的关系，而女人谈论自己的时间则只占三分之一。

 4      即便如此，那个关于男人的讨论“解决社会问题”，而女人只是躲在厨房里闲言碎语的错误观点仍然大行其道，尤其是在男人堆里。在我进行的焦点人群调查及访谈中，大多数英国男性刚开始时都声称他们不说闲话，而大多数女性都坦承自己说闲话。在接下来的提问中，我发现两者的差别只存在于语义层面上而非实践层面上：男性把女性通常所说的“闲聊”定义为“信息交流”。

 5      显然，在英国男性眼里闲聊是一件可耻的事情，这条不成文的规则已经深入人心，因此就算一个人确实是在闲聊，他也会把它说成是另外一回事。或许更重要的是，他也会让它听起来像是一件正经事。在研究中我发现：男女闲聊的主要区别在于女人的闲聊听起来更像闲言碎语。这涉及到三个主要因素——语调规则、细节规则和反馈规则。

语调规则

 6      我采访过的英国女性都认为只有某种特别的语调适合于闲聊。闲聊的语调很高，并且语速很快，有时像故意让大家都能听见的悄悄话，但总是活灵活现的。一位女士这样解释：“闲聊一般是这样开始的：‘哎，你猜猜怎么着？你知道吗？’（快速的、高声调的、兴奋的语气）或者，‘嗨，听我说，听我说（快速、急切的语气，故意让大家都听得到），你猜我听到了什么？’”另一位女士告诉我：“即使实际上并不是那么回事儿，你也必须让它听起来像令人吃惊的事或者像丑闻。虽然那根本算不上什么秘密，你也可以说：‘哎，你可别告诉别人，我听说……’”

 7     很多女性抱怨男人闲聊时没有使用正确的语调，而是像交流任何其他信息一样，语气平淡、一成不变。一位妇女对此嗤之以鼻：“你简直搞不清他们是不是在闲聊。”但这正是男人想要的效果。

细节规则

8    女人也强调闲聊时细节很重要，并且再一次抱怨男人在这方面的不足。她们声称男人“从不了解细节。”一位被调查者告诉我：“男人从不引述别人的话。如果我们不能确切地知道别人说了什么，那有什么意思呢？”另一位被调查者说：“女人比男人更倾向于推测……她们谈及某人为什么会做某事，并追溯整件事情的历史。”对女人而言，周密地推测动机和原因与周密地推测可能的后果一样是闲聊的关键因素，这要求对“过去”进行仔细的梳理，来翻翻“旧账”。英国男人认为：所有这些细节都很乏味、无关紧要，当然，讲出来也就有损男子气概。

反馈规则

9     在英国女性中存在一种共识：“地道的闲聊”除了语调生动、关注细节之外，还需要有好的听众。所谓好的听众是指对闲聊的内容表示认同，并给予大量恰当反馈的听众。女性的闲聊反馈规则要求听众至少应该和说话者一样活跃、充满热情。她们认为这样才足够礼貌，因为说话人要把事情讲得出人意料，讲得像丑闻，还是颇费心力的。因此听众至少要表现出适度的吃惊才能回报说话人的努力。据我的女性被调查者说，英国男人好像完全没有掌握这条规则。他们不知道“你应该说‘不会吧！真的吗？’或者‘噢，我的上帝！’”

10     不过，我的女性被调查者也同意，那些以女性方式做出反应的男人听起来像小女孩，或者女里女气，让人感觉不舒服。我采访过的一位男同性恋者也觉得“不会吧！真的吗？”之类的反应会被认为是十足的“娘娘腔”。英国人闲聊礼仪的不成文规则的确允许男人在听到特别有趣的闲话时表达震惊与惊讶。人们认为一句恰当的脏话能以一种更具男子气概的方式传递这种惊讶。