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What had you expected of college life before entering university? Does your expectation match the reality? Do you feel lonely or did you feel lonely in the first several weeks? Let's read Emery's story as a college freshman, and learn how she examines her situations and feelings in the first year at college.

Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student 

Emery Bergmann 

Being known as “the girl with no friends” wasn’t my favorite part about having made a video that went viral—but you take what you can get. 

About a year ago, as a college freshman at Cornell, I was assigned a short video project for my Intro to Digital Media course. I decided to focus on my disappointment with the early weeks of college: How I couldn’t get past superficial conversation, how I couldn’t seem to enjoy parties, feel comfortable on campus, or just meet people who I wanted to spend more time around. I felt so lost and beyond confused. I had been a pretty social person in high school and I fully expected to make great friends right away when I got to college. It’s supposed to be the time of your life, right? 

I had been looking forward to college for years. I started studying for standardized tests in the 10th year, hammering out extracurricular activities and A.P. courses all through the 11th year, and spent my senior year typing applications till my fingers practically bled. I got into a great school, pleasing myself and my family. This was not the payoff I expected. 

The worst part was that I felt as if I were the only one who was this lonely. I’d see all these freshmen walk in packs—just massive groups of friends already formed in the first two weeks of school. I couldn’t muster the courage to ask people to get lunch. It was so frustrating. I immediately turned on myself—criticized and blamed myself for being weird and unapproachable. 

I spent a ton of time on social media, constantly checking in on my high school friends and seeing how they were getting along at their colleges. They’d post more and text me less. I really tried to put myself out there, but the more people I met, the more defeated I felt. I wasn’t interested in forging fake relationships out of necessity, I wanted genuine friendships that I could treasure. Why couldn’t I find them in my first month on campus? 

I poured my loneliness into the four-and-a-half-minute film I made, called “My College Transition”. I posted it on YouTube expecting only my professor and a couple of friends to see it. It now has over 275,000 views and hundreds of comments. I had students from all over the country reach out to me and express their experiences, thanking me for making them feel less alone. It was overwhelming in the most beautiful way, and was further proof that I wasn’t alone in my experience. It also showed how necessary it was for people to be open about isolation on college campuses. 

Now a sophomore, I see how ridiculous my expectations were for my first year. To assume I could instantly meet my New Best Friends while also getting used to a new place, starting a new academic career, and learning how to adjust to life away from home—that’s a full plate already. Some of the high school friends I was missing had been my friends for my whole life. 

Expecting close relationships like the ones that had taken years to develop was unfair to myself and the people around me. Going to college is a massive change—so many students are being uprooted from the familiar comforts of their homes and thrust into a completely new place. It was unrealistic for me to anticipate a seamless transition. 

After I posted the video, I had people of all ages and genders reaching out to me, explaining how they felt the same way when they started a new job, when they moved to a new place, even when they started retirement. Loneliness is too often paired with self-blame and self-criticism: “I can’t find my place among these people, so it must be my fault.” My social life became a big game of trial and error, slowly learning in which groups I felt welcome and included. It was hard! It was draining! But by putting myself out there, I found so many communities on campus to invest myself in, and where I knew I would be happily received.  

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