Leisure inactivities

– or how to relax and do nothing

 

1  Centuries ago people didn’t have much free time, because everyone was working too hard. In Britain in the 19th century, people had more free time, but the Victorians thought relaxing and doing nothing was a sin. So to avoid temptation, they invented football and cricket. People took up more gentle leisure activities like bird-watching, and gardening, and it was even possible simply to watch a sport and be satisfied that you were actually doing something useful. 

2   One instance of this is cricket, which is a peculiar game with weird rules, where nothing happens for five days, at the end of which the players often decide to call it a draw. And everyone playing or watching feels perfectly fulfilled by this non-event. It’s a good example of what we now call a leisure inactivity. 

3   Gradually over the years, leisure inactivities have involved even less interaction. In the 1990s a new leisure creature evolved, one who thinks that lying on the sofa watching sport or DVDs on the television is the most exciting inactivity they can manage. This is the couch potato.

4   So who wants to be a couch potato? Well, as a matter of fact, many people do, and for very good reasons. Maybe it’s your one day off in the week, maybe you just got back from work or school. Maybe you’re tired and just want to chill. For the couch potato, every activity is too much trouble, and being idle is an art form. 

5     How do you become a couch potato? It’s easy.
Sit down in a comfortable place, such as a nice soft chair, or ... you knew it was coming ... a couch. Don’t sit on a potato. Make sure you have everything you need, things to eat (especially potato chips – no serious couch potato would eat anything else), drinks, magazines and a telly. 

6    The most important piece of equipment is of course, the remote control. Without the freedom to change channels without moving from the couch, no couch potato would be worthy of the name. In fact, watching TV without a remote control becomes dangerously like physical exercise, and probably should be avoided. 

7   Now just start watching the telly. Change channels every ten seconds, and then move on. Try your best to lose concentration quickly, in order to maintain your status as a couch potato. (Remember that you also have the attention span of a potato.) Finally, ask other people to do things for you, like get more food, or rent a movie. But be nice to them! If you aren’t nice, you’ll probably have to do it yourself. 

8   But with every new trend, there’s a reaction. British farmers were recently reported by the BBC to be angry at the use of the expression couch potato, because it gave the vegetable a negative image. Potatoes are inherently healthy, says the British Potato Council, and is organizing protests to demand the removal of couch potato from the Oxford English Dictionary. 

9  So there you are! Couch potatoes are healthy. 

10  Of course, for the true couch potato, there are inherent risks. Perhaps the greatest of these results from the lack of exercise, and is referred to by professional couch potatoes as telly belly. Some, however, see their telly belly as a mark of their commitment to their leisure inactivity, and wear it proudly over the top of their trousers. (Interestingly, this is a highly fashionable style known as a muffin top. Find out why next time you’re in Starbucks.) 

11   But time moves on, and in the 21st century we now have a version of the couch potato specially for the online activities on the computer. This is called the mouse potato. A mouse potato spends excessive amounts of time in front of a computer monitor, with the same absence of interest in the outside world as their older cousin, the couch potato. Mouse potatoes are hooked on online games with other fellow potatoes around the world. In fact, leaving the computer not only lacks purpose but also risks a threat by some rival or more skilful mouse potato in a brighter time zone across the world. For time off, their routine includes performing extensive Internet searches or participating in online chat rooms, leaving ill-informed and badly spelt opinions around the virtual world, causing offence or generally insulting one’s intelligence. 

12  For mouse potatoes with an aspiration for adventure, you can even travel the world and visit countries you might otherwise never see by going to CouchPotatotravel.com. You can also find out how much time you spend on your computer by logging the distance your mouse travels. These are called mouse miles, and who knows, maybe one day you can exchange them for more potato chips at all good computer stores. 

 13   So with a minimum of effort you too can have your own leisure inactivity. Become a couch potato! Earn that telly belly! Train hard as a mouse potato, and earn mouse miles. Get started today. There’s so much time, and so little to do. 

闲暇无为——抑或如何歇着无所事事

    几个世纪以前，人们没有多少闲暇时间，因为大家都在辛苦劳作。在19世纪的英国，人们有了较多的空闲时间，但是维多利亚时代的人认为无所事事地歇着是一种罪。于是，为了避免其诱惑，他们发明了足球和板球。他们还开始从事更温和的休闲活动，如观鸟、园艺，甚至可能只是观看一项运动。这给他们一种有事可做的满足感。

    其中的一个例子是板球，这是一种规则怪异的奇特运动，比赛一连五天也没有任何进展，最后球员常常决定比赛以平局而告终。但是所有的球员和观众都对这种毫无结果的比赛感到心满意足。这就是我们现在称之为闲暇无为的一个很好的例子。

    近年来，闲暇无为中的互动渐渐地变得更少了。20世纪90年代，一种新的休闲方式诞生了，一些人认为躺在沙发上看电视体育节目或是DVD是他们能做的最令人激动的闲暇无为活动了。这种人就是沙发土豆。

    那么，谁想成为沙发土豆呢？实际上，许多人都想，而且都有很好的理由。也许是一周中的休息日，也许是刚下班或放学回来，也许是疲惫不堪时想放松一下，对于沙发土豆来说，其他所有活动都太麻烦了，而懒散悠闲才是一种艺术。

    怎么成为沙发土豆呢？那很容易。找个舒适的地方坐下，比如一张很不错的软椅，或者……你知道接下来是什么……一张沙发。别坐在土豆上。确定你需要的所有东西都备好了：零食（尤其是炸薯片——真正的沙发土豆不会吃别的任何东西）、饮料、杂志和电视。

    最重要的一个装备当然是遥控器了。如果没有无需离开沙发就能改换频道的自由，那沙发土豆就徒有虚名了。实际上，如果看电视不拿遥控器，就有类似于锻炼身体的危险了，这也许是应该避免的。

    现在开始看电视吧。要每十秒换一次频道，然后照此一直换下去。尽可能快速地失去注意力，好让你保持一个沙发土豆的状态。（记住，你的注意力持续时间和土豆的一样长。）最后，请别人帮你做事，如再拿点吃的，或租张影碟。然而，对他们的态度一定要好！如果态度不好，你很可能要自己做这些事了。

    但是，每一种新时尚都会有反对者。英国广播公司BBC最近报道，英国农民对使用“沙发土豆”这一说法很不高兴，因为它破坏了这种蔬菜的形象。英国土豆协会说，土豆本来就是有益健康的食品。他们正组织抗议活动，要求把“沙发土豆”这一词条从《牛津英语辞典》中删除。

    你瞧瞧！沙发土豆是健康的。

    当然，对于真正的沙发土豆来说，内在的危害还是存在的。最大的危害也许是由缺乏运动导致的，后果被专业的沙发土豆称作电视肚。然而，有些沙发土豆把他们的电视肚看作是他们致力于闲暇无为的标志，很骄傲地把电视肚挺在裤腰之上。（有趣的是，这是一种很时尚的穿着风格，称为松糕顶。下次你去星巴克时再去弄清楚其中原因吧。）

    然而，时间推移到21世纪，我们有了特别针对电脑上网活动的沙发土豆新版本。它被称为鼠标土豆。鼠标土豆在电脑显示器前面花费过多的时间，和他们的表兄沙发土豆一样缺乏对外界的兴趣。他们大多数人沉迷于与世界各地的鼠标土豆们玩网络游戏。实际上，离开电脑不仅毫无意义，而且还会遭到对手或是世界上较早时区且技术更高超的鼠标土豆的威胁。在空闲的时候，他们常做的事包括大量的网络搜索，或是加入聊天室，在虚拟世界留下毫无见识且满是错别字的意见，得罪人，还侮辱别人的智力。

    对于怀有历险渴望的鼠标土豆来说，你甚至还可以周游世界，通过访问沙发土豆旅游网（CouchPotatotravel.com，去你也许永远去不了的国家观光。通过记录鼠标移动的距离，你还可以了解你在电脑上花了多少时间。这个距离被称为鼠标里程，谁知道呢，也许有一天你能在所有好的电脑店里用这些鼠标里程换得更多的土豆片。