Ⅲ. Effective Sentences

1. Unity

Unity is the first quality of an effective sentence. A unified sentence expresses a single complete thought. It does not contain ideas that are not closely related, nor does it express a thought that is not complete by itself.

Faulty: Born in a small town in South China in the early 50s, he grew up to be a famous musician.
Revised: He was born in a small town in South China in the early 50s. In his childhood he liked to sing songs. Later he entered a conservatory. In the 70s he became a famous musician.

The two parts of the original sentence are not logically connected, because a man born in a small town in South China in the early 50s would not necessarily become a famous musician. So the sentence lacks unity. The revised sentences are better, as how and when he became a musician is explained.

Faulty: Du Fu was one of the greatest poets.
Revised: Du Fu was one of the greatest poets of the Tang period.

The first sentence is faulty because the idea expressed is not complete: there is no mention of the time or country. "The Tang period" makes these clear, for we all know that the Tang was a dynasty in Chinese history.

2. Coherence

Coherence means clear and reasonable connection between parts. A sentence is coherent when its words or parts are properly connected and their relationships unmistakably clear. It is not coherent if it has faulty parallel constructions, pronouns with ambiguous reference, dangling or misplaced modifiers, confusing shifts in person and number, or in voice, tense, and mood.

Faulty: A man is judged not only by what he says but also by his deeds.
Revised: A man is judged not only by what he says but also by what he does.
A man is judged not only by his words but also by his deeds.
Faulty: We thought she was charming, intelligent, and a very capable young woman.
Revised: We thought she was charming, intelligent, and very capable.
We thought she was a charming, intelligent, and very capable young woman.
Faulty: We have great faith and high hopes for her.
Revised: We have great faith in and high hopes for her.

    Parallel ideas had better be expressed in parallel constructions, which give emphasis, clarity and coherence to a sentence. "What he says" and "his deeds" are not parallel in form, so one of them has to be changed. The second sentence is faulty for the same reason and can be improved in the same way. In the third, "faith" and "hope" are parallel, but they should be followed by different prepositions.

Faulty: She told my sister that she was wrong.
Revised: "I'm wrong," she said to my sister.
She admitted that she was wrong and said so to my sister.
"You're wrong," she said to my sister.
My sister was told that she was wrong.
Faulty: He was knocked down by a bicycle, but it was not serious.
Revised: He was knocked down by a bicycle, but was not badly hurt.
Faulty: I'm going to the lecture on modern Chinese drama, because he is a dramatist I like.
Revised: I'm going to the lecture on modern Chinese drama, because the speaker is a dramatist I like.

In each of the three faulty sentences there is a pronoun with ambiguous reference. The second she in the first sentence may refer to the subject or "my sister"; the only noun in the second sentence is bicycle, hut it does not refer to it; no third person is mentioned in the third sentence, so it is hard to know whom he stands for. These faults are corrected in the revised sentences.

Faulty: Looking out of the window, the grassland stretches as far as the eye can reach.
Revised: Looking out of the window, he (she, I) can see the grassland stretching as far as the eye can reach.
Outside the window, the grassland stretches as far as the eye can reach.
Faulty: On entering the classroom, the students stood up and said, "Good morning!"
Revised: When the teacher entered the classroom, the students stood up and said, "Good morning!"
On entering the classroom, the teacher was greeted by the students, who stood up and said, "Good morning!"
Faulty: To get ready for the trip, all the things she needed were put into a suitcase.
Revised: To get ready for the trip, she put all the things she needed into a suitcase.

In each of the above faulty sentences there is a dangling modifier (Looking ..., On entering ..., or To get ...), which is not grammatically related to the noun or pronoun it is intended to modify. That noun or pronoun is not even in the sentence, or not in a position to take the modification if it is in the sentence. Because of the use of a dangling modifier, such a sentence is not coherent and may be hard to understand.
There are a few set phrases often used to modify whole sentences, like "to be frank," "generally speaking," "judging by ...," and "speaking of ...." They look like dangling modifiers but they are not.
Judging by what the newspapers have said, his latest play is quite successful.
To be frank, he is not the right man for this important job.
We have to study many courses: Chinese, English, maths, physics, chemistry, history, geography, just to name a few.

Here are more incoherent sentences:

Faulty: I read an interesting story in a magazine about sportsmen.
Revised: I read in a magazine an interesting story about sportsmen.
In a magazine I read an interesting story about sportsmen.
Faulty: She bought several picture books and put them into her bag, which she intended to give to her children.
Revised: She bought several picture books for her children and put them into her bag.
She put into her bag the picture books she had bought for her children.
Faulty: The idea he mentioned at first sounded good.
Revised: The idea he first mentioned sounded good.
The idea he mentioned sounded good at first.

The three sentences are labelled "faulty" because of the unclear or wrong connection between certain parts. In the first sentence "about sportsmen" seems to modify "magazine," but it should modify "story." In the second the which- clause is related to "bag", but apparently it is meant to modify "books." In the third "at first" may modify "mentioned" and may also modify "sounded" - an ambiguity that should be cleared up. All the faults are caused by misplaced modifiers.

Faulty: He gave a reason for not attending the meeting, which nobody believed.
Revised: He gave a reason, which nobody believed, for not attending the meeting.
He gave a reason for not attending the meeting, a reason which nobody believed.

In the original sentence the which-clause modifies "meeting," but it is meant to modify "reason." A misplaced modifier again. One way to correct the fault is to move the clause forward so that it is close to the word it modifies; another way is to repeat the antecedent if it is good to keep the clause at the end of the sentence.

Faulty: An important thing for the student to remember is that when writing a paper, you should not plagiarize.
Revised: An important thing for the student to remember is that when writing a paper, he should not plagiarize.
Faulty: Those who wish to take Linguistics are expected to sign his name on this sheet of paper.
Revised: Those who wish to take Linguistics are expected to sign their names on this sheet of paper.
Faulty: Students should learn to analyze and solve problems independently. Don't rely on your teachers' help.
Revised: Students should learn to analyze and solve problems independently. They should not rely on their teachers' help.
Faulty: She reviewed the lesson taught last week and all the exercises assigned by the teacher were done.
Revised: She reviewed the lesson taught last week and did all the exercises assigned by the teacher.

The faulty sentences are not coherent because of a confusing change in person, in number, in mood, and in voice respectively. A sentence should be consistent in these respects. Unnecessary shifts should be avoided.

3. Conciseness

A sentence should contain no unnecessary words. If the idea is fully expressed, the fewer words are used, the better. Wordiness only obscures, instead of clarifying, the idea. But one often uses more words than necessary, so it is a good habit to reread what has been written to see if there are words that can be deleted without affecting the meaning expressed. Compare the following:

Wordy: It was blue in color.
It was small in size.
Mary is a quiet and careful woman.
He returned in the early part of the month of August.
Concise: It was blue.
It was small.
Mary is quiet and careful.
He returned in early August.

Repetition is sometimes necessary for emphasis, but unnecessary repetition, either of the same words or of different words with the same meaning, should be avoided.

Wordy: He gave many reasons for the failure, but the reasons he gave were not convincing.
Concise: He gave many reasons for the failure, but none of them was convincing.
Wordy: In my opinion, I think your plan is feasible.
Concise: In my opinion, your plan is feasible. I think your plan is feasible.
Wordy: This machine was jointly designed by the old engineer in collaboration with some of his younger colleagues.
Concise: This machine was jointly designed by the old engineer and some of his younger colleagues.
This machine was designed by the old engineer in collaboration with some of his younger colleagues.

The same words are repeated in the fist sentence, and different words with the same meaning ("In my opinion" and "I think," "jointly" and "in collaboration with") are used in the second and third sentences.
Conciseness can sometimes be achieved by changing the sentence structure. Compare:

Wordy: There was a pine tree that stood like a giant on the top of the mountain. It towered over the trees around it.
Concise: The pine tree on the top of the mountain stood like a giant and towered over the trees around it.
The giant pine tree on the top of the montain towered over the trees around it.
On the top of the mountain was a giant pine tree which towered over the trees around it.
Wordy: Mr. Smith usually likes to drink all kinds of wines that are produced in France.
Concise: Mr. Smith prefers wines produced in France.
Mr. Smith prefers French wines.
Wordy: Li Qing, who was a first-year student of the college, would go to a park near her school every day in the morning. She would bring a small recorder with her. In the park she would find a quiet corner and listen to a tape of English stories.
Concise: Every morning, Li Qing, a first-year student of the college, would go to a nearby park, bringing a small recorder with her. There she would listen to a tape of English stories in a quiet corner.

These examples show that sometimes a clause can be replaced by a phrase and a phrase by a word without any change in the meaning. They also show that sometimes two sentences may be combined with the idea of the less important one expressed in a participial phrase, an attributive clause, or some other form.

4. Emphasis

When there is an important idea, it should be expressed with emphasis. In speech people use various ways for this purpose, such as speaking loudly, or slowly, saying very short sentences, or using a gesture. In writing there are also ways for placing emphasis on sentences or words that should be emphasized.

(1) Emphatic Sentences

In a passage there may be sentences which are more important than others because they convey more important ideas than others do. Such sentences may be emphasized in the following ways:
Short sentences. It has been mentioned that short sentences are more emphatic than long ones, especially at the beginning or end of a paragraph, or in the midst of long sentences.
Sentence fragments. They are also called one-member sentences. They are emphatic because they contain only the few words that express the main idea;

The sky was overcast. A north wind was blowing. It threatened to rain at any moment. A gloomy day.

Inverted sentences. They are emphatic because their unusual word order draws the reader's attention:

In rushed the noisy children.
The poet was born poor, and poor he remained all his life.

Parallel constructions and balanced sentences. For examples see the section on types of sentences.
Periodic sentences. Their climactic word order makes them emphatic. For examples see "Types of Sentences."
Imperative and exclamatory sentences. They are naturally emphatic:
Don't move!
How nice!

Rhetorical questions. They are questions in form but emphatic statements in meaning:

Didn't I tell you that you mustn't touch this machine?
I didn't get a ticket for the opera. How could I?
You call that a good play? What is good about it?
Can anyone believe his explanation?

Negative-positive statements. They first point out what is not the truth, and then what is. The contrast makes them emphatic:

The delegates shouted and quarrelled. It was not a meeting; it was a farce.
There were so many errors in the performance that the result was not a tragedy, but a comedy.

Sentences with repeated words or phrases. The repetition gives emphasis to such sentences:

Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth.

- Abraham Lincoln

Read the following two passages carefully and you will find many of the above ways for emphasis employed in them.

I loved loved the sound of Martin Luther King's voice, its eloquent, oratorical cadences. At the climax of the 1965 Montgomery march he had cried out, "How long will it take before my people achieve full equality?" Then, answering his own question, he shouted:" It will not take long because truth pressed to the earth will rise again. How long? Not long, because no lie can live forever. How long? Not long, because you still reap what you sow. How long? Not long, because the arm of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward peace."
I was just pulling into actor Marlon Brando's yard in the Hollywood hills when the news came over my car radio. "Martin Luther King, Jr., has just been fatally wounded in Memphis, Tennessee!" I stopped the car abruptly as if the announcer's voice had demanded it. "My God, my God," I said, over and over to myself. It was a bottomless moment. That voice I had loved so much had been stilled - forever. It was a terrible moment, without sound, without motion, without reason.

- Gordon Parks

These sprays, dusts, and aerosols are now applied almost universally to farms, gardens, forests, and homes - nonselective chemicals that have the power to kill every insect, the "good" and the "bad", to still the song of birds and the leaping of fish in the streams, to coat the leaves with a deadly film, and to linger on in soil - all this though the intended target may be only a few weeds or insects. Can anyone believe it is possible to lay down such a barrage of poisons on the surface of the earth without making it unfit for all life? They should not be called "insecticides," but "biocides."

- Rachel Carson

(2) Emphasis within the Sentence

Very often a part of a sentence, whether it is a word or a phrase, should be given emphasis because it is where the main point of the sentence is. Various ways can be used to achieve this.
Placing. The beginning and the end, especially the end, of a sentence are the two places that attract the reader's attention. If possible, important words should be put there. Compare:

There is a big tree, which is said to be 300 years old, in the temple.
In the temple there is a big tree, which is said to be 300 years old.
There have been many great discoveries made by scientists in the 20th century.
Many great discoveries have been made by scientists in the 20th century.
In the 20th century scientists have made many great discoveries.
Wang Bing is modest and hardworking and is a good student.
Modest and hardworking, Wang Bing is a good student.
Wang Bing is a good student, modest and hardworking.

Repetition. Unnecessary repetition adds nothing new to the meaning of a sentence; therefore it should be avoided. But sometimes, in a proper context repeating a word or an idea in different words may be a means of emphasis.

Bright, very bright, were the stars over the wild, dark Yenan hills.

- Anna Louise Strong

Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand ... Simplify, simplify. Instead of I three meals a day, if it be necessary, eat but one; instead of a hundred dishes, five; and reduce other things in proportion.

- Henry David Thoreau

"Repeating an idea in different words" does not mean simply using synonyms. Instead, the second mention of an idea should in some way intensify the first.

The good old days were gone forever, could never be got back again.
She looked at the stranger with timid suspicion and uneasy doubt.

"Were gone forever" and "could never be got back again" are roughly synonymous; so are "timid suspicion" and "uneasy doubt". In each pair the second phrase carries the meaning of the first a step further, thus giving emphasis to the idea of the first one.
The verb and the active voice. When describing actions, one had better use verbs instead of nouns denoting actions, for verbs are generally more vivid and emphatic than nouns. Compare:

At the sight of the disorderly crowd, he was aware that something bad would be possible.
The moment he saw the disorderly crowd, he knew that something bad would happen.

The three verbs in the second sentence (saw, knew and happen) give it a feeling of immediacy and urgency, which is absent in the first.

In the dark the old man could feel the morning coming and as he rowed he heard the trembling sound as flying fish left the water and the hissing that their stiff set wings made as they soared away in the darkness.

- Ernest Hemingway

The many finite verbs and participles in this sentence make the reader feel that the sea was full of action at the time described. And all the verbs are in the active voice, which carries greater force than the passive. For the passive often denotes a state rather than an action.

We planted many trees yesterday.
Many trees were planted yesterday.

Obviously, the first sentence stresses the action of planting, and the second the result of the action. The passive may be useful when the result is more important than the action itself, or when the doer of the action is not so important as the receiver, as in:

Lu Xun's works have been translated into many languages.
More highrises will be built on the outskirts of the city.

Subordination. This means putting a minor idea in a dependent element of the sentence so as to give the main idea a prominent position. Here is a sentence containing two ideas:

The professor walked into the classroom and he carried a bag of books with him.

The coordinate structure suggests that the two ideas are equally important. But in fact the first should be the main idea, and the second should be subordinated:

The professor walked into the classroom, carrying a bag of books with him.
The professor walked into the classroom with a bag of books under his arm.
The professor walked into the classroom, a bag of books under his arm.

A series of short sentences, if related in meaning, may be combined with the main idea properly emphasized:

They were waiting for the meeting to begin. They talked with each other. They talked about the women's football team. The team had won victories in Guangzhou.
While waiting for the meeting to begin, they talked about the victories won by the women's football team in Guangzhou.
Li is a new student. He comes from a southern province. He speaks a dialect. We find it hard to understand his dialect.
Li, a new student from a southern province, speaks a dialect which is difficult for us to understand.
A young worker was learning to operate the machine. An old worker was standing by her. He was watching her attentively.
A young worker was learning to operate the machine, an old worker standing by and watching her attentively.
When the young worker was learning to operate the machine, the old worker was standing by and watching her attentively.
General Grant was an outstanding commander, but he was not a wise president. This is what our history professor said.
Our history professor said that General Grant was not a wise president, though he was an outstanding commander.
According to our history professor, General Grant, who was an outstanding commander, was not a wise president.

Emphatic words and phrases. There are words and phrases that may be used to emphasize other words. The following are a few examples:

This is the very dictionary I have been looking for.
The director himself told me this news.
Do tell us about your recent Antarctic expedition.
His latest novel is by far the best he has ever written.
This theatre is far better than the one we went to last time.
I'm so hungry that I'll eat whatever food I can find.
What on earth are the children doing in the next room?
I don't like the play at all.
You can buy everything under the sun in this department store.
Many peasants have motorcycles, not to mention (let alone) TV sets and recorders.

Alliteration. It means the appearance of the same consonant sound at the beginning of two or more words, like "busy as a bee".

During the national liberation movement of this African country, the colonial government was faced with the choice between the ballot and the bullet.

5. Variety

Variety is essential to good writing. A series of sentences of the same structure and length, beginning with the same noun or pronoun as the subject, would sound monotonous.
Variety is achieved when short sentences are used in between long ones, simple sentences in between compound and complex ones, periodic sentences in between loose ones. An occasional question, command, or exclamation among statements may also be helpful.
But variety is not to be sought for its own sake. The structure and length of sentences are primarily determined by the Ideas to be expressed. Only when ideas are properly expressed is variety desirable.
The passage below is taken from Churchill's speech on Hitler's invasion of the U.S.S.R. While expressing his views and decision in a very forceful way, the speaker uses a variety of types of sentences.

  I have to declare the decision of His Majesty's Government - and I feel sure it is a decision in which the great Dominions will in due course concur - for we must speak out now at once, without a day's delay. I have to make the declaration, but can you doubt what our policy will be? We have but one aim and one single irrevocable purpose. We are resolved to destroy Hitler and every vestige of the Nazi regime. From this nothing will turn us. Nothing. We will never parley; we will never negotiate with Hitler or any of his gang. We shall fight him by land; we shall fight him by sea; we shall fight him in the air, until, with God's help, we have rid the earth of his shadow and liberated its people from his yoke. Any man or state who fights on against Nazidom will have our aid. Any man or state who marches with Hitler is our foe.... That is our policy and that is our declaration. It follows therefore that we shall give whatever help we can to Russia and the Russian people. We shall appeal to all our friends and allies in every part of the world to take the same course and pursue it, as we shall faithfully and steadfastly to the end.

Apart from short and long sentences, loose and periodic sentences, Churchill uses a rhetorical question ("Can you doubt...?"), repeats certain words and certain ideas in different words ("now at once, without a day's delay," "one aim and one single irrevocable purpose"), and uses parallel constructions ("We shall fight him by land; we shall fight him by sea;...), balanced sentences ("Any man or state who fights... Any man or state who marches..."), and a sentence fragment ("Nothing."). As a result, all the ideas that should be stressed are stressed, and at the same time, the passage is full of variety in sentence pattern, length, and rhythm.